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Thank you all for replying. It is touching to see that you guys care about my well-being when all you know of me is from my crazy posts above. I feel a bit better today, even though I had to go to work. Which really sucked, btw. But I somehow made the drive better. I put on the CD album version of the score from METROPOLIS. Somehow the music spoke to me, with it's larger than life scoring and it's memorable themes. I didn't realize how much I loved this score until today. I put it on to follow my listening of the new Batman Forever album. Interestingly, both scores really flowed into one another with some of it's similar style. Anyway, I think because the score went from mysterious, to saccharine, to intense, to majestic, to jaunty, to horrifying, and then going back and forth between it all... it felt like such a well-rounded symphony of life. Moreso than most scores, and this thing came from the 20s! (well, the writing anyway) I can see why Spielberg recently said Williams music "goes through the mind and straight to the heart". I didn't take that as saying his music wasn't intellectual. I took it as him saying that music, REAL GOOD MUSIC, speaks right to your heart, where the intellectual meaning, be it complex or simple, is irrelevant. Some of the most simple things are the most memorable anyway. And the most heartfelt. Like someone who spends all this crazy money and plans this crazy and intense trip for an anniversary, complete with a sight-seeing list or schedule that is as impressive as it is complex. Is that good? Or how about instead a very heartfelt card, hand-written, explaining to the person how much you really mean to them, and exactly why it's so good to have them around. Maybe accompany it with a nice dinner, and bam: something way better than anything complex. At least for me.

I've thought about getting some kind of perscription at least for times like these. But all of that costs money, doesn't it? At least in the States. Hell, I don't even live on my own or with roomates yet. How could I afford that right now? Even so, I'd rather use some of that same money to get out. I really think it would help. I think I just need a change. A positive change. I just feel like I need help I guess. And just someone to talk to other than the people I have been. They just aren't there for me. A lot of which I understand. You can't always be there for someone. But I feel like people are slipping further apart that I know. Including the guy I'm with. I can't talk like this to him. Not this intensely anyway. He has to keep his persona happy it seems. Or is it really just... he has to be fake? Has to appeal to others? No idea. I even told him I'm depressed. He didn't even seem that concerned. Eventually just started talking about his problems. He is one of those people you can't talk to for more than 2 minutes without him running over you're words. The rare times he let's you talk, it feels like he isn't truly paying attention. It's whatever to me now, though. Hmm.

Koray, I'm glad you know how I feel. I like to say to people, "You have not really lived the true essence of modern life until you have worked retail." That includes restaurants, sit-down or fast-food type. Especially fast-food. It really sucks. It drains the life out of you, especially every year longer you stay at the same job. I've only been at this new place for a year, VS the 5 years I was at Hollywood Video, and I'm already hating it. Then again, despite the increased pay, I do think my new job and the situation of it is far worse than Hollywood was.

I think what kills me is I am always on the move it seems. I don't get to stay in place too long. I keep going back and forth between two towns. Most of the people I know now living in the town of my job, including my boyfriend. So I feel a bit isolated at my actual home. But over there, I don't feel like I have one. So I feel like I am caught between two worlds constantly. And I feel like I don't belong to either one of them.

Data, you're very sweet to think highly of me as you wrote. I'm hoping you really are right, and I'm hoping I can get through this. I try not to write myself off, but because of things like my recent incident with that "friend", it's hard for me to trust myself because I feel like people lie to me a lot about myself. Or they stretch the truth. Meaning: they say good things about me, and then they avoid me. It's a running theme. Perhaps I try to get to close. But it doesn't feel that way to me. I think what it really is, is this: I'm good enough to be known, I'm good enough to be included (sometimes), I'm good enough to be called their friend. When they have time. I'm not allowed to be someone that is around them a lot. Someone they go out of their way sometimes just to be around. Maybe I expect some friends to have the same level of reception as a boyfriend, minus everything sexual of course. Is that wrong? Is that sick? Maybe I just watched too many movies and saw how some friendships were. Actually, I garuntee that now. I really feel like movies lied to me.

Red Rabbit, it's actually really interesting that you said what you did about the period between getting out of high school and getting into college. That is exactly the period of time I want to write about for my novel, for I feel it's an experience not written about very much, fiction or not. It's something that has been horrendous for me. Some people don't know what it's like. Some people seem to have had everything in life handed to them. I don't respect that. It's too unreal. I can tell a LOT of my customers are like that. I work at the Palm Springs airport, and since it's a resort town, a lot of people are snooty rich (or fairly rich) people that feel like the world owes them everything just because they were taught how to rape money correctly. I applaud them for their bastardly skill, but at the same time I hate how they act better than me. I get paid only 9 dollars an hour... do you think I give a shit who you are, treating me like that? LOL.

Anyway, thank you all for your responses. I guess we will just wait and see where it goes from here. Ugh... :/

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An addition:

You want to hear a "dumb people at work" story? Here is one thanks to yesterday. I call it: Technical Idiots.

I arrive to work with the sight of a computer all wrecked havoc on. Lovely. I can see how this day was going to start. Luckily there is a 2nd register available. Before I'm even able to clock in, I hear the words, "You're young, do you know anything about computers?". I'm all for one about taking jokes, but literally this kind of thinking is bugging me more and more everytime I hear it. I hear it all the time. Just because I wear glasses and am in my 20s means I'm some sort of technical genius? Should I be happy or offended? It's really bizzare to me. Anyway, I shrugged that off and said, "Depends on what's going on and with what kind of system." They tell me that the printer on the register isn't working at all. I ask if they called technical support. They said yes and couldn't figure it out. I asked if they called the manager at all. They said no, he was on a conference call. Lovely. I asked if they even rebooted the computer. No. Of course not. So I reboot it for them. As that is happening, I had a sudden thought. I checked under the register... and to my surprise... or lack of... I saw that one of the power surges had somehow been switched to OFF. With a flick, I figured out in less than 5 minutes what they apparently couldn't figure out in an 8 hour shift. Ta da! All set! No wonder why I've become unhinged!

But it doesn't end there. Somehow within the mess of these people trying to fix something that was beyond easily solved, they screwed up the scanner for the computer! It wasn't on at all, no matter what even I did. Turning it off, turning it on, hitting the damn thing, unplugging it, plugging it back in, restarting, nothing. Turns out somehow someone broke it in the process of everything that happened, so I had to wait for someone else to figure out... because the team lead with me had to clock out, as well as the other person. Which then left me stranded alone on one register... with a mass of people for a flight... which then tripled because 2 other flights got delayed... which gave me a line of grumpy-ass people for 2 hours straight, and no way to even get backup since the scanner was down. I work at the busiest store in the god damn airport. Lovely.

Eventually the closing team lead arrived and was able to get a new cord for a sanner to work. But by then the line had dissapated. My manager then arrives on scene and says, "you hanging in there?". I give a sarcastic nod. He then asks, "Well, need anything for the store?". Lovely. I see his priorities, of course. Typical. My response, "Haven't had a chance to even give it a glance yet." Never saw him the rest of the day.

What kills me is that I had to suffer for the stupidity of other people at work. That is something that I can't stand or tolerate. Why should I? And for the last time... it doesn't take a god damn technical genius to turn on a fucking switch! Seriously. My grandma knows more about that than these people, and she is 80+! No joke!

The worst part was, I didn't even get an "I'm sorry" from the team lead in question. She merely was like "I thought I did that". And when I was restarting the computer, she was waiting around and saying "I don't have time for this! I have to go!" and I said, "Well go ahead... I've restarted a computer here before... I know what to do." She says, "Well you aren't supposed to touch it when it restarts!" I tell her, "I know... it says so right on the screen." She gave me a smartass look and then said, "Alright, well I'm going then."

They ask me for my technical expertise, and THEN they treat me like I'm an idiot about it? Unbelievable.

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Drink only water or juice. Avoid wheat.

If you mean avoid wheat bread but sorry wheat bread is the only type of bread I'll eat and it's A LOT healthier for you than white bread. I can't really stand the taste of white bread. I use to eat it all the time but once I switched to wheat is when I realized how awful taste white bread had.

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I meant wheat in general.

As for bread, I never buy it, and I hardly ever eat it.

Ah I most of the time stay away from wheat in general except for bread.

Actually home made bread is a lot better for you than the store bought kind.

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Not sure if I should revive this thread, but I figure this is a great place to talk about this issue that's been plaguing me lately.

I moved from Florida to Texas to try and start my life. I gave up my friends, my family, everything... dropped it all in one month and drove 16 hours away to start my life. Many things have changed for better or worse in my life... but one aspect is I began dating someone and have been with him nearly 2 years now (almost to the day).

Lately though, we've been having some issues becuase...well...we're not getting younger and he wants to persue his goals in life and so do I (hence the reason I moved here).

The career I want is a composer... music to a medium. Or even sound design or editing. I can do each. I've been studying film music and developing my techniques for writing.

I did a fan film recently which has some examples of my work but unforunately the relationship I'm in hindered me during that time. I felt guilty for working so hard on the project and it created such tension that we nearly broke up and the project was woefully delayed and my writing suffered from it.

I've...grown a lot since then and kinda learned how better to manage my time instead of devoting to one thing and forgetting the rest lol...

Anyway, we've reached the crossroads again...

He's getting his life in order, and thus, I plan to. I'm developing my demo CD now that my software is good enough and can handle the type of music I make and I already am subscribed to certain websites where people post needs for composers and editors. I also live near Austin which is a music mecca so I'm in the right place, have the ability, the drive... but the one thing, the only thing standing in my way...

He keeps telling me I'm throwing us away by persuing this. That I'm jeopardizing us. I tell him that I could never be happy NOT persuing this.

So I have to ask this... is this insane? Am I being nieve? Its something that has driven me my whole life... I learned to play the viola and almost got a free ride at college for viola performance becuase I wanted to play classical music I heard in the cartoons. I've always heard the music in the tv shows and movies. I have recordings of myself playing the piano and writing music from when I was 10! I'm nearly 26 now...

But is it wrong...in a general sense... to persue your dreams... even at the sake of your relationship? Or does this hint to something great...a greater issue... a flaw in the relationship.

I always imagined that you should be supportive in a relationship... and if someone isn't, does that mean maybe the realtionship is flawed inherintly?

I find that whatever I do, I strive to be the best I can be...that means focus...that means drive... that means determination. That means doing what it takes to be the best... but is that mutually exclusive from having a healthy relationship?

I'd be interested to hear everyones thoughts on the issue...

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Relationships are ALWAYS about compromise. And it has to come from both sides.

First of all, he thinks that you are putting your relationship in danger by pursuing a certain dream. You have to ask yourself if he is an any way right.

If the answer is yes, and it will put a train on your relationship, then you have to determine for yourself if your dream is worth that.

People who strive to get the best out of themselves will often have to make certain sacrifices. In a way you have to be quite selfish (which you probably are if you have just given up one life in pursuit of another)

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Well, I moved away from friends and fmaily to start my life. THey understood that... the relationships I lost were becuase of the guy I'm with not approving of them lol...

As for will it strain the relationship? Yes. But so will having a full time job, being sick a week, getting a dog, going full time to school.

But will it be more than that? WIll it financially hurt us? Will he make things worse? No. It'll make me happy. It'll take some of my time spent doing other things like writing or playing video games away, but will it truly adversely effect him? No. He's afraid it will, and with understandable concearn, but no...it won't be more stressfull than anything else.

As for selfish...there's one thing I'm learning every day its how fast giving of yourself... turns into giving away yourself. I'm not saying I don't like giving. I do...I find more enjoyment in that anyway...

But I give so much that I tend to break down after a while... its almost inevitable that I break. And as I told a friend recently, no one is ever fully for you, fully behind you. No one ever has all your best interests in mind...except you.

In the end, I don't think I'd be happy if I weren't doing something musically. He doesn't want me to perform (which I haven't since we met), he doesn't want me to write... makes me wonder who's selfish in this scenario :-p

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I would never leave all my friends and family behind because my partner didn't approve of them. You really need to ask yourself what's most important. Relationships come and go, but careers are so time sensitive. If you don't take the time to pursue this now, you may never make it.

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I agree with Henry here.

Seems like you made a big sacrifice by giving up your friends for him. Now he seems unwilling to also make sacrifices.

Who knew that the bumlords could also have complicated relationships. All the time I thought it was just women who made things hard....

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The order was a bit different than all that. I moved here on my own accord. But when I started dating him, certain aspects of my old life fell away. I use to drive back home to florida nearly ever 4-6 months. One time I went twice in two months becuase my best friends father died suddenly. I stayed there nerely a month until everything was taken care of. He and I dont' speak anymore because of my bf...

I was a bit too quick to 'sacrifice' in that instance... but I'm slowly coming back from it.

And thanks for the kind words stef ;-)

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You know how I feel about this, GM. Although my response are usually more sharp tongued, like "ditch the bitch". But same response really as the rest of these people, right? He most certainly does NOT have your best interests in mind. All he truly cares about is himself. Which is fine, really. But that doesn't mean you have to be dragged along with him because of it. It's time to leave. I really don't know what you are waiting for. Either go back home, or take advantage of any help offered to you.

Perhaps if you want to hear more honest responses from people here, you should tell them the other parts of your situation with your man that you have left out. Not to put you on the spot, but I'd say they are pretty damn important in your "choice" you have here, which really, I don't think there is a choice here. You know what you really need to do. You're just too scared to do it. Because you are scared of him. Not that I'm any better at doing what I really need to do either. But I'd say you have much higher stakes with your situation right now than I do.

Here is something I will say that I know to the people here in this thread: he feels he has to go through his man if he can buy Hook or not when it is released. If any of you know GM like I do, Hook is like his FAVORITE score (next to Lost World, right?). The fact that he has to ask ANYONE if he can acquire this, I am sure, very limited release to something that has been so dear to him since before I even knew him (years and years now) is outrageous. Getting Hook is not okay by him, but going out and getting him fast food and drinks is? Give me a break. He has a job, you have a job. You both make your own money. He has spent it on outrageous things without consulting you, am I right? Hell, even non-outrageous things, doesn't matter. Fact is, this guy doesn't give a shit about you or anything you admire. And that's fine, not everyone has to like you. So leave him! And if I have to end up buying Hook for you because this bastard is really that controlling where he'll check to see if you did it, I'll be pissed off. But yet, I'll still do it. Because I know how much it means to you. He clearly still doesn't know who the hell you really are. And if he does, then that makes him all the more pathetic and idiotic.

If you all think I'm sounding harsh, it's because I know a bit more about this situation. But if he decides to divludge more of past happenings with this "fine fellow", then maybe you'll see why I'm so angry that my friend is stil leashed next to Jabba The Hutt. Time to open up the Sarlacc Pit.

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Inequality in a relationship is just soooo old-fashioned.

If my gf complaints about me ordering another cd, i'll just bring up the matter of her ever increasing collection of pretty but useless and uncomfortable shoes.

btw Scallenger, if i were GM, i'd be pissed for betraying my trust and portraying me like a hen-pecked scared little bitch...

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It's not my intent to portray him like that, and if that is how it came across I am sorry. And this isn't betraying trust, I didn't say what I could have, and it's his choice if he wants to or not. I won't pressure it any further. But I feel like he is undermining what he has at stake with the advice he is asking for. He needs more than just advice. He needs to just go through with it, and get help confronting with what he really is afraid of. Thing is, I don't think I or anyone here can really help with that. I believe he needs to seek people that are physically around him, which he seems to be starting to do. But I guess I'm concerned you aren't doing it fast enough, GM. I worry about you, a lot. It hurts that I myself can't do more than what I am doing right now. I'll understand if you're a bit angry at me. But you know me well enough to know I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think it was important for you to confront.

I won't say any more about it. I'm sure you will do what is best.

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