The Church of Our Dear Lord and Savior John Williams

[BLUMENKOHL 1,068]

Brothers and sisters, we have too long been silent! The forces of our heathen enemies seek to divide us! And divided we shall surely fall! The fabric of our society has been disrupted by the assaults on our Dear Lord's Holy Works. What has become of our society when common prostitutes, murderers, and adulterers such as the likes of ckappes spew such vile hatred as, and I QUOTE my brothers and sisters, I QUOTE from his own mouth, and thou knowest that a quote cannot be fabricated on these forums:

I despise cute fuzzy creatures, I am a monster, and I steal candy from babies. Hans Zimmer is the best composer ever and I think John Williams sucks. I would not - I repeat not - consider Jurassic Park as one of the greatest scores ever written.

*

There is a special place in this universe for people who do not consider ANY of our Holy Composer's works as anything but the SUPREME GRANDEST GREATEST SCORES EVER WRITTEN. And I am CERTAIN ckappes will find himself there soon!†

We cannot let our way of life be destroyed by such bestial infidelity! As such, I call upon this forum to join together under the roof of this place of worship and carry the teachings of the greatest John Williams to every ear in the world.

Applications for Church [Temple, Synagogue, Mosque, or Tent depending on your geographic location] positions are available including: Monk, rabbi, priest, preacher, Forum missionary, Forum doggystyle, Williams Witness, Highway Robber, Hans Zimmer Killer, Cult of Giacchino Spy and Treasurer.

There will be a thorough background check. You will be required to submit a list of works you consider your FAVORITE and GREATEST works by John Williams.

Your list will be cross-referenced against John Williams' IMDb filmography and the JWFan.com filmography and concert works. Any work missing from your list of GREATEST WORKS OF ALL TIME and your PERSONAL FAVORITE WORK OF ALL TIME, and you will be rejected and promptly executed for high treason, excommunicated, hung, drawn and quartered, and forced to listen to Klaus Badelt's Pirates of the Caribbean on rewind.

To prepare you for our upcoming services, Hymnal Books have been prepared and will be delivered to members by mail within 3-6 weeks of acquisition of membership. You may attend either TRADITIONAL services or MODERN services. Examples of the HYMNAL BOOK for TRADITIONAL SERVICE can be found below:

For those attending MODERN SERVICES, a more young and hip song selection is provided:

IN ADDITION I HAVE SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO SHARE WITH YOU BROTHERS AND SISTERS. Our Holy Five Apostles have happened upon a new prophecy.

They believe soon we may find a 6th Apostle. They say it shall happen on a night when forum members will congregate at the JWFan chatroom....

They say the first sign of the fulfillment of this prophecy will be the return of one "JOHN CRICHTON" to the lands of these forums.

We must tread cautiously! Times are a'changin'!

Blessed be the Five Apostles and their Golden Shine, Blessed be John Williams, and Blessed be thine ears!

*This quote is fabricated, untrue, and false.

† FilmScoreMonthly Forums

[BloodBoal 7,538]

[Thor 7,504]

Too much time on your hands, Blumenkohl?

[Incanus 5,714]

Amen Blumenkohl! Praise His Divine Radiance, Eternal Hallowed Name of the Great Composer of the Universe whose Mighty Notes Createh and Destroyeth, Giveth and Taketh Away!

As Keeper of the Faith I must say it took a long time for Blume to have his epiphany but I knew it would happen one day. Welcome to the fold, the Faith embraces its lost lambs! Open thine ears so you could hear the voice of the Great Composer my wayward children!

And Beware the Wrath of the One Who Knows All the Notes for He Shall Punish the Unlisteners with Eternal Damnation and Deafness so that they cannot hear his Divine Music and Sound of Gladness.

But Blumenkohl thou shalt not plant kisses on His Holy Buttocks. We are not worthy. If you had read The Holy Scripture of Divine Sheet Music of the Lord and His Revelations in D Major and the Epiphany of the 7 Blessed Music Makers of the JWFan you would know that He Who Composes Eternally is made of too fine a substance for you to kiss his backside. Keep thine thoughts pure and open your ears to the blessing of the Lord that is his Music.

[John Crichton 4]

Somehow I always knew I was destined to be a herald of doom.

[#SnowyVernalSpringsEternal 10,265]

The coming of Crichton is like the footsteps of Doom.

[KK 3,307]

Brother Blumenkohl, thy work for our cause is most noble. Praise to the Great Tunesmith and his ever Holy Buttocks!

And it did not occur to me that the prophecy is nigh. With the coming Crichton, could it be that the 6th Apostle shall rise from the ashes of devlisih heretic that is Ludovic Bource and his demonic work for The Artist?

And it seems that Brother Blumenkohl has omitted several important hymns that are key for the salvation of all those who dream of someday approaching the tunesmth's Holy Buttocks. Let me share with you my dear brothers:

HYMN 2 - Exsultate justi

Instructions:

- Recommended to be sung during sunrise while bowing to the East and playing the tunes of Archangel Spielberg's 17th vision.

Laudamus te, laudamus !

We praise you, we give praise !

Exsultate, justi, in Domino;

Exult, you just, in the Lord;

Exsultate in Domino.

Exult in the Lord.

Exsultate, justi, in Domino;

Exult, you just, in the Lord;

rectos decet collaudatio.

praise from the upright is fitting.

Alleluia, Alleluia !

Salvator Dominus, Salvator mundi :

The Lord is Savior, Savior of the world :

Qui tollis peccata mundi.

You who take away the sins of the world.

Cantate ei canticum novum,

Sing to him a new song,

bene canite ei cum clangore.

pluck the strings skillfully with shouts of gladness.

HYMN 3 - Double Trouble

Instruction:

- Although the Lord never wrought these words himself and took it from an old scribe by the name of Shakespeare, it is said that before rites are performed, it is recommended that this hymn is sung to receive Lord Williams' blessings and prevent the coming of the warts of hogs.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Something wicked this way comes!

Eye of newt and toe of frog,

wool of bat and tongue of dog,

Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,

lizard's leg and owlet's wing.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Something wicked this way comes!

In the cauldron boil and bake,

fillet of a fenny snake,

scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,

witches mummy, maw and gulf.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Double, double, toil and trouble.

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Something wicked this way comes!

CHANT OF THE HOLY BUTTOCKS:

"Citius! Altius! Fortius!"

Spoken from the lips of the Lord himself, the words in the Common Tongue can be interpreted as "Faster, Higher Stronger". This little chant will chase away ill omens and shed some light even in the darkest of places in the world.

As for modern songs for these "hipsters". I recommend "Somewhere in My Memory". A great carol for John-mas (which is fast approaching this week!).

Let us rejoice!

[Hlao-roo 389]

This feels like the type of thread that would have been more common at JWFAN circa 2005. Almost waiting for Justin to make his entrance.

[#SnowyVernalSpringsEternal 10,265]

Justin is in a better place now, Alan.

[Hlao-roo 389]

Justin is in a better place now, Alan.

St Louis, Missouri?

[BLUMENKOHL 1,068]

Brother Blumenkohl, thy work for our cause is most noble. Praise to the Great Tunesmith and his ever Holy Buttocks!

And it did not occur to me that the prophecy is nigh. With the coming Crichton, could it be that the 6th Apostle shall rise from the ashes of devlisih heretic that is Ludovic Bource and his demonic work for The Artist?

And it seems that Brother Blumenkohl has omitted several important hymns that are key for the salvation of all those who dream of someday approaching the tunesmth's Holy Buttocks. Let me share with you my dear brothers:

Let us rejoice!

I applaud your devotion and faith, Brother KK. Your contributions shall be vital in spreading our faith to the world.

I've developed appropriate attire for males of our congregation:

[indy4 155]

[King Mark 3,631]

Can I be Supreme Priestmaster?

[BLUMENKOHL 1,068]

Thou art his most faithful servant. I think it is a given.

[KK 3,307]

Brother Blumenkohl, thy dedication to the great Church begs the question, will thou do thine duty and establish the necessary, discriminative hierarchal titles of the members of this fine fellowship?

[chuck 154]

What is the first order of worship for today? Meditate on War Horse or exclaim on Tintin?

[King Mark 3,631]

Pray at the Potter Altar for the materialization of the CoS sessions

[BLUMENKOHL 1,068]

Brother Blumenkohl, thy dedication to the great Church begs the question, will thou do thine duty and establish the necessary, discriminative hierarchal titles of the members of this fine fellowship?

They have been drafted.

[King Mark 3,631]

[KK 3,307]

-Oooh, can I be Supreme Archbishop? -

Ahem, apologies Brother Blumenkohl...I got a little ahead of myself.

I thought I'd establish the Order of Prayer in the Church of Our Dear Lord and Saviour, John Williams.

DIRECTIONS: Down Sunset Blvd, turn right at the sight of the Church of Scientology and into the alleyway where you'll see a waste container with an abnormally large sized model of our beloved guardian and friend, E.T (with his magic bike!). Behind this obstacle lies a secret compartment upon which you are obligated to show the 3 Holy Trinkets of Wisdom (your whip, your lightsaber and your Superman tights). Knowledge of Williams' most prominent cymbal technique will be required to get it in.

5:00 AM - Early in the morning, led by Supreme Priestmaster King Mark, the forever virgin monks hum the great five note motif of Archangel Spielberg's vision of CE3K (fun fact: it was first hummed by a bunch of homeless Indians found by our beloved Spielberg).

6:30 AM - Worshippers are to bow down to the East as the sun rises and sing Hymn 2 (can be found above).

9:00-11:00 AM - Upon the conclusion of a small meager meal, the Supreme Bishop takes upon the Holy Baton of our Lord and Saviour and conducts his most obnoxious enlightening marches (1941 is quite a favourite at this time of the day)

12:00-1:00 PM - Prime Rabbi and Williams Witness' go door to door performing the folksy material of Fiddler on the Roof (for the heretics) and the melodies of Schindler's List or anything attractively ethnic to reap the poor of what little they have to benefit the Church and our saviour (yay, food!)

2:00 - 4:00 PM - The Supreme Missionary spreads the word of the Great Tunesmith and burns the occasional heretic with Reznor's noise to display the power of our Lord and his Holy Buttocks!

4:00 - 5:00 PM - The Grand Master warns the people of Zimmer's long arm and shadow and attempts to absolve the sins of the damned and bring them to the light (usually to no avail).

6:00 - 8:00 PM - Supreme Bishop and his 3 underlings, Supreme Priestmaster King Mark, the Supreme Archbishop and the Supreme Missionary ramble on about the sorrows of our dark world to their disciples. Like old grumpy wise men, they warn the world of the future of our belief and the darkness that surrounds our faith. They also discuss/argue/bicker/whine about the legendary lost Grails such as the CoS Recording Sessions, or the Complete Release of Hook or the ever elusive adequate release of the Star Wars Prequels...

MIDNIGHT - The members of the Church gather in congression to read out Revelations while operatically singing the Ark theme in an apocalypto fashion (including the upper female register).

Life in the Church of Our Dear Lord and Saviour, John Williams is quite dramatic as conspiracy is always afoot (with the recent uprising Giacchino and his misled followers who dare believe he can dethrone our Lord as a very good example).

I'll see you all, my brothers, at 5 AM tomorrow morning...

G-A-F-F-C

The above statements are all subject to change and deletion upon the request of the superiors of the Church of Our Dear Lord and Saviour John Williams, in which case, I could likely be terminated....

[Not Mr. Big 4,639]

I believe there is a level below Zimmer fans. Anyone who is a fan of Trent Reznor's film work.

[KK 3,307]

I don't believe we accept them in our Church hierarchy...it is possible to bring Zimmer fans back to the light...but Reznor fans are beyond repair, brother

[BLUMENKOHL 1,068]

King Mark has been appointed by the Church's Counsel to Supreme Priestmaster because that is the line which directly oversees the masses. It was an emergency measure to prevent chaos in our cult congregation.

We will need to hold nominations and a vote to determine the Supreme Bishop, at which point he (or she) will appoint the unfilled ranks immediately below, and those appointees will appoint those immediately below them and so on.

Church Process dictates that the Supreme Bishop nominees be assigned a certain color of smoke, hidden from all but Counsel. The assignments will be put away, hidden until the end of voting. At the end of voting day, we will see what the color of smoke is rising out of the The Great Poll. We will then check the pre-made list of smoke color assignments and see who will be the next Supreme Bishop.

[Incanus 5,714]

Thou hast placed thineself on equal level with the Great and Eternal Master of Music in thine hierarchy. Correct this blashpemy at once brother Blumenkohl! No one is equal to our Lord of Celestial Melodies, not even on paltry human charts made as a poor and incomplete reflection of JWs holy order on this earth.

Also I propose the title of Grand Inquisitor added to the hierarchy, equal to that of a Supreme Bishop so as to purge the MB of all faithless and the impurity of Zimmerites! This would reflect the dual rule of the Roman consuls, each supreme leader of the faith keeping the actions of the other in check with the right of veto each other's actions when they thought they were too harsh (if you can indeed be too harsh when acting against Zimmerites). I would gladly take up this most arduous but humble task of Grand Inquisitor as a show of my undying devotion.

[indy4 155]

Incanus definitely deserves a top rank.

[King Mark 3,631]

Wait did I sacrifice my place to be Supreme Bishop. I need to give ot my candidature too.actually I should be Grand Inquisitor

[BLUMENKOHL 1,068]

Thou hast placed thineself on equal level with the Great and Eternal Master of Music in thine hierarchy. Correct this blashpemy at once brother Blumenkohl! No one is equal to our Lord of Celestial Melodies, not even on paltry human charts made as a poor and incomplete reflection of JWs holy order on this earth.

Also I propose the title of Grand Inquisitor to be formed, equal to that of a Supreme Bishop so as to purge the MB of all faithless and impurity of Zimmerites! This would reflect the dual rule of the Roman consuls, each supreme leader of the faith keeping the actions of the other in check with the right of veto. I would gladly take up this most arduous but humble task of Grand Inquisitor as a show of my undying devotion.

First my brother, to assuage your concerns, the table is a draft still, and even so, if you look carefully our Lord's box is higher than mine. I am in no way equal to John Williams. I hold no direct power over any other rank, and I serve only our Lord John Williams to ensure that the Church runs smoothly. I am the equivalent of Church Human Resources.

Next, I believe the position of Grand Inquisitor shall indeed prove to be a vital one, and I will work to implement the position into the Church Hierarchy by the next draft. But will this position be elected or appointed by the Supreme Bishop of His Church?

Also...

Dress Code for female members of our congregation:

[Incanus 5,714]

The Grand Inquisitor should be elected in similar manner as the Supreme Bishop, by vote. They would hold the office at the highest level of the Church, The Supreme Bishop dealing mostly with the matters of the Holy Congregation and their daily Williams concerns through his underlings and the Grand Inquisitor would take care of the purity of their faith and concerns of orthodoxy through a body of underlings, should we say the selected 7 Overseer Inquisitors who would of course have their own group of most devout JW fans (number still undetermined) who would carry out the heresy hearings and rooting out the unbelievers and enemies of the Church and keeping the dogma and teachings pure. Also the special Holy Order of Annointed John Towner Knights should be revived to bolster up the military ranks of the Church to deal with most obstinate and vile heretics with armed force.

[chuck 154]

I think men should shave their heads bald and grow a beard as a sign of full devotion. Women should wear Princess Leia gold bikinis as a sign of adoration.

[Thor 7,504]

I believe there is a level below Zimmer fans. Anyone who is a fan of Trent Reznor's film work.

Then that's where I want to be, as I love both Zimmer and Reznor!

I would also refuse the official attire, thereby becoming an outcast!

[Incanus 5,714]

I believe there is a level below Zimmer fans. Anyone who is a fan of Trent Reznor's film work.

Then that's where I want to be, as I love both Zimmer and Reznor!

I would also refuse the official attire, thereby becoming an outcast!

A heretic you mean?

[crocodile 8,012]

I'm just waiting for the Great Schism to divide the community into the orthodox Jaws and the prequelists.

Karol

[Incanus 5,714]

I'm just waiting for the Great Schism to divide the community into the orthodox Jaws and the prequelists.

Karol

There is only One Discography, Undivided and Holy. It shall not be cut into pieces. Can you cut air into pieces and expect it to stay separate? No. The Breath of Williams which is his Music is One. Williams' work is One Body, Multifaceted yet Still One. Once Copyrighted and Undivided, To Receive Royalties in Perpetuity, Sacrosanct and Hallowed. Amen.

[#SnowyVernalSpringsEternal 10,265]

How many wives can we take?

[chuck 154]

How many wives can we take?

Two.

[Thor 7,504]

I believe there is a level below Zimmer fans. Anyone who is a fan of Trent Reznor's film work.

Then that's where I want to be, as I love both Zimmer and Reznor!

I would also refuse the official attire, thereby becoming an outcast!

A heretic you mean?

if you will, yes.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[Quintus 5,399]

Haven't the lessons of the Waco siege been learned?

[Incanus 5,714]

How many wives can we take?

Two.

That is correct. For is that not the number of wives John Wiliams has had? It says so in the Holy Biography.

[#SnowyVernalSpringsEternal 10,265]

To honour Him, and to pay homage to his ways, should we not have multiple sets of Two Wives?

[chuck 154]

To honour Him, and to pay homage to his ways, should we not have multiple sets of Two Wives?

We must only have two wives, but yet we can have as many mistresses as there are many Academy Award nominations... For every Oscar nomination is like a blessing of new grace and beauty...

[Jay 37,364]

This thread is full of win already

[BLUMENKOHL 1,068]

I am so committed to our Lord that I have spent part of my lunch break refining the Church Hierarchy.

[E] denotes that the hierarchical position is elected office. The Grand Inquisitor and Supreme Bishop report to each other in service of our Lord. The activities of the Supreme Counsel, who acts in service of our Lord, and who wields no direct power over any other rank, are also under the jurisdiction and watchful eye of the Grand Inquisitor.

After thoughtful, careful, and ecclesiastical consideration of the case for servants of the Grand Inquisitor, the Supreme Counsel has determined that 7 is too large a number for Inquisitors serving the Grand Inquisitor. The Supreme Counsel then leaned towards 5 elected inquisitors (in honor of the 5 Apostles), however after a round of meditation his iPod in shuffle mode played "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" and it was taken as divine intervention to make for 3 servants of the Grand Inquisitor.

Finally, it is the opinion of the Supreme Counsel that election of the Supreme Bishop of the Church be postponed until the Church has gained sufficient clout and popularity to allow for ample nominees and voters. To that end, it is the judgement of the Supreme Counsel that in order to establish the popularity and legitimacy of the Church we proceed with the electoral process for the position of Grand Inquisitor and Inquisitors.

4 Nominees will be required at minimum for the position of Grand Inquisitor in service of our Lord. The winner of the election will take the seat of Grand Inquisitor, whilst the next three highest will serve as Inquisitors in service of the Grand Inquisitor and our Lord.

And finally, good news my brethren! Earlier our Church commissioned the finest cartographers in from the Orient to provide the Church with a map of our homeland in the hopes that we may better track our spread across the Nation of the John Williams Fan Network. The results are striking to say the least! It appears our Lord has created our land in the shape of a dotted 8th note. Perhaps even a dotted staccato 8th note! Praise be upon him.

Preliminary reports indicate that the heathens and weary of our Lord tend to settle in the Northern territories where they discuss such non-kosher topics as "Sexy Celebrities" and reviewing films and scores that are not John Williams.

Meanwhile in our very own territory of General Discussion, administrative forces in the region have relegated our brethren and faithful believers to flea-ridden ghettos to avoid the discussion of our Lord's two newest works spreading into homes of aristocrats and proletariat. These injustices will soon be rectified. Word is Jason LeBlanc will join our side, and he may be able to free our brethren in the ghettos.

Our journey will undoubtedly be rough...but we shall prevail my brothers and sisters!

[#SnowyVernalSpringsEternal 10,265]

I will be Grand Inquisitor!

But I demand total autonomy to root out unloyal members.

[KK 3,307]

Brother Blumenkohl, thou hast done a fine job of this! The Lord will be very pleased and praise him for this great land of JW fandom!

Yet I must confess something to the Church of Our Dear Lord and Saviour.

Last night, the Lord's angels of the Third Kind spoke to me and they told me...

"Darkness approaches my son...a new threat far greater than Zimmer himself is brewing in the east. Soon, the shadow of Reznor shall threaten our Church, be wary, for time shall come when it shall strike and consume you if thine faith is not strong...there is impurity in the holy land of the staccato dotted eighth note that thine Lord rose from the depths of the sea"

The Grand Inquisitor must be enthroned soon, for something must be done about this! There is impurity in our land Brother, the Church must be cleansed! Can the prophecy be nigh?

[#SnowyVernalSpringsEternal 10,265]

I will rid our church of all imposters. Not just those who secretly worship Satan (Zimmer), but also those who break our doctrine and pray to a false idol! (Giachino)

[KK 3,307]

I will rid our church of all imposters. Not just those who secretly worship Satan (Zimmer), but also those who break our doctrine and pray to a false idol! (Giachino)

Aye Brother Stefan, I have heard rumours of a rebellion amongst the Giacchino spies...my little birds have told me whispered intenstions of burning our beloved Church and installing the idols of the false Giacchino...be warned Brothers! Our land is in danger...dark times are ahead.

But what is to say that thou arst true in intention and not false in your ambition, Brother Stefan?

[#SnowyVernalSpringsEternal 10,265]

Nay, my post count should tell thou all thy need to know about my loyalty to the one true Forum!

I have outlasted Chrushercomix, I have outlasted HPFan2 and Marl Olivarez. I will stay faithful.

[KK 3,307]

Thou speaks the truth. Fair enough. Brother Incanus has also put his name forth for Grand Inquisitor...2 more names must be put forth for Conclave to begin.

[#SnowyVernalSpringsEternal 10,265]

As you wish, put what names could be more loyal and effective then mine?

[BLUMENKOHL 1,068]

The nominations and voting for Grand Inquisitor will be handled in the following thread:

http://www.jwfan.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=21322