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#41 Chaac

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Posted 16 January 2012 - 08:46 PM

Better yet, drink only water, period. Most juice is just sugar water. If you drink just water for long enough, it starts to become really tasty and appealing...almost addictive, even.

I only drink water and I actually see what you mean. I was referring to homemade juice. I used to spent a while after lunch making orange juice when I was a kid.

#42 scallenger

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Posted 16 January 2012 - 09:37 PM

I'm going through something right now. It's a mixture of a horrible realization of how my life is for me mixed with a strong desire to do something I just don't seem to have the energy or the power to anymore. I'm questioning my relationship, not feeling it anymore. What's worse is I feel like I admire someone who probably thinks I am a wacko, and no I don't mean admire in a "relationship" way. I've been breaking down every other day, give or take. But last night was the worst. And just a few minutes ago. I don't know whats happening to me. I don't know who I can talk to anymore. If this doesn't make sense right now, I'm sorry. I'll go more into it if anyone wants to. I just had to type something now because I really just feel like I'm going crazy. I'm crying now as writing this. I don't know what's happening. I don't feel like I understand anything anymore. I don't feel like anyone does. I've never felt this intense inside.
"Let's be clear. The planet is not in jeopardy. We are in jeopardy. We haven't got the power to destroy the planet- or to save it. But we might have the power to save ourselves." -- Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton


#43 Demondm810

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Posted 16 January 2012 - 09:40 PM

I'm going through something right now. It's a mixture of a horrible realization of how my life is for me mixed with a strong desire to do something I just don't seem to have the energy or the power to anymore. I'm questioning my relationship, not feeling it anymore. What's worse is I feel like I admire someone who probably thinks I am a wacko, and no I don't mean admire in a "relationship" way. I've been breaking down every other day, give or take. But last night was the worst. And just a few minutes ago. I don't know whats happening to me. I don't know who I can talk to anymore. If this doesn't make sense right now, I'm sorry. I'll go more into it if anyone wants to. I just had to type something now because I really just feel like I'm going crazy. I'm crying now as writing this. I don't know what's happening. I don't feel like I understand anything anymore. I don't feel like anyone does. I've never felt this intense inside.


Hang in there, bud.

#44 Datameister

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Posted 16 January 2012 - 09:49 PM

Sorry to hear that, man. =( If you want to go into more detail or just vent, I'll listen and (if you want) offer any advice you want, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. In any case, definitely hang in there, like Demondm810 said.

#45 scallenger

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Posted 16 January 2012 - 11:40 PM

Thank you both for you're concern. I wore myself out from my "episode", so I'm a bit calmer now. Even though my head is throbbing and I feel like a zombie now. That's life, I guess. If sound too cold or confusing, or say strange things, I apologize. I'm just trying to account for what is possibly going on with me. I know a lot of my issues. I am a procrastinator. I don't know shit about cars even though I drive almost 10 hours a week now, and have for the past year. That's a big no-no, isn't it? I seem to have low self-esteem. I really hate eggs. I'm not sporty at all. Blah blah blah. I know a lot of my shortcomings. I recognize them. I was going to list "I'm gay" as one of them, but you know what? I'm sick of feeling sorry for that. If you disagree with me, well a big "fuck you" to you. But what DOES bother me these days is that I am gay, but I don't even fit in with my own "kind". Isn't that outrageous? That I should have to anyway? Why do I need to? All I do is like guys instead of girls. That's it. Okay, I may be more highly emotional than most guys, but that is really hardly a gay associated theme. I'm a nerdy guy who likes guys and lives and breathes movies, movie scores, dinosaurs, and a lot of other odds and ends here and there. All are fairly un-gay things. I don't fit in with the club crowd. I've tried. It disgusts me. It infuriates me. Being gay shouldn't be a "lifestyle", because it is a lifestyle of SEX. What should it be? It should be something as recognized as ethnicity. Then again, I guess that is a silly thing to say, since even different ehtnic groups feel the need to have their own "pride" events. Why? What's to be proud of? You come from a certain race, so what, big deal? Is there really need to celebrate? Same with being gay. Really, I'm not upset that I am gay, nor am I exactly thrilled. I just am what I am. What the fuck does there have to be an event for it? And why am I considered fucking weird for not wanting to be involved? Why should I have to go to clubs to be considered "part of the crowd"? I don't dance, because I don't like to. I don't feel right. It's not fun. Simply put: I don't feel like I belong. Anywhere. With anyone. And I don't understand why people like to party all the time. I would love to just relax and talk. Or watch a film. Hell, I don't even mind a couple drinks, I'm not a total Scrooge.

But what is really upsetting me? The world. Yes. How original. I worked at Hollywood Video right when I got out of high school, tried to juggle college, failed. But then I went up the ladder at Hollywood Video to Assistant. Company failed last year, so I got laid off. Within that time I went through a few failed relationships, a couple found right here in these forums. That's right. I was unemployed for 6 months, and during that time, I found someone else, who actually ended up making me feel depressed even more because he was still apparently not over his ex, but failed to let me know until later. And of course I couldn't take it anymore, and I broke up with him myself. A mere two months later I find out he ends up back with him. Yeah, real fucking original. Anyway, so I then kind of freak out, because this was a time when I felt like I HAD to be with someone to be happy, and lo and behold I find someone that I actually did meet in a fairly nerdy way (Harry Potter premiere) and though it could be promising. Little did I know that he was the clubbing type listed in my lovely paragraph above, and came from this big Christian family, blah blah blah. In short, a lot of problems arose, but then died down, and I'm still with him. But I can tell there is something wrong... it doesn't feel right anymore. And I get annoyed everytime I talk to him now, even though I don't always show it. He has certain ideals and desires that drive me nuts, because he seems to want things for the wrong reasons. Like writing. He wants to write a book, but it seems like he only really wants to do it to get attention. Now we all want recognition, but he keeps on saying how he can't wait to always talk to people about it and answer fan mail and etc. Really, you want to be like Gilderoy Lockhart? What a desire. It merely comes from his interest in typical "you are gay so you HAVE to like these people" stars like Brittany Spears and etc. etc., where being a star is about that kind of thing. You see, I want to write a novel, too. I've written a lot of little stuff before, and one big thing. And I have had this one story in my head for YEARS. But I'm not doing it for anyone else. I'm doing it for me. If I can ever do it. More on that in a moment. What I am trying to say is the way his mind works drives me crazy. I've become some strange antagonist. It doesn't help that I do all the driving because he pretty much doesn't have a car (meaning his doesn't really work well) and he keeps saying he is getting one. He keeps saying a lot of things. I don't mind goals. Just stop getting all excited about them and making me think things are going to happen when they don't. It's called letting someone down, all the time. And he isn't responsible. I actually gave up a shift to hang out with him today. But what happened? He "didn't realize" he was actually working today because he ususally doesn't. And he made it seem like it was his job's fault. Uhm, not, it's not. I work too. You can never "assume" when you work. And he has been working at his job for years. You're telling me they never do random shit like that? You're telling me that even though they put up their schedules at least 2 weeks in advance that you simply don't care enough to write them down anymore especially when you are with someone that also works and try to plan things together when you hardly see each other as it is? Where the fuck is his head? Seriously? Do I need to rip it out from his own fucking clouds as he thinks about stardom without even really thinking of what would actually make his story good?

But wait. I'm just getting started. Speaking of my new job, which is at a series of giftshops at an airport, I have to drive 45 minutes to everyday from my small shitty town that has no jobs. It wouldn't be so bad if it was a normal drive, listening to music, audiobooks sometimes... except my town is up this giant ass hill, after a swerving mountain pass, that then leads to the freeway, etc. I drive a 4 cylinder car that has a hard time going up hills, and apparently is now just starting to burn oil for "no good reason". Well what the hell else is new for me. Not only that, but the employee parking lot at the airport is 15 minutes away just from the entrance. The walk is nice, but sometimes I have to rush it. And going thru security everyday... shit. Anyone do this? Anyone hate this? I have to do it everyday I work. And lately there have been masses of people I have to get through. And it's just starting to drive me nuts... being surrounded by masses of people. I'm not a city person, I get claustrophobic being around so many people all the time. Especially because everyone is always in a hurry. Everyone. And they put me in the busiest shop in the airport because I'm good and have the best customer service. That's because I see work as an acting job. I get into a character I guess. I don't even think about it. But they don't realize how much it exhausts me. I do hundreds of transactions a day. Hundreds. Sometimes just within an hour. And I am forced to talk the entire time, asking the same questions over and over again. It's so impersonal. Granted, retail is nothing new to me, as I already said. But it was a much slower pace, and I actually could talk normally and really help people, and even talk about things I enjoyed. It isn't like that at all now. All people care about is getting in and out as quickly as possible and not missing their flights, etc. It's really started to depress me. There is no fun or creativity. The shop is small and cramped. I'm usually left completely alone to fend the customers off. I'm good at it, is the bad thing I guess. I should have just sucked from the beginning, right? But now I set a standard in their eyes. So now I'm stuck where I don't want to be. Isn't it bad that when you do a good job and it actually hurts you more than helps you? And the few times there are other employees around, they really just get in the way, especially when the team leads audit. There just isn't enough room, not enough down time. It's maddening. I was actually recently offered a team lead position, which, is a good thing right? Well, it was only a single dollar more, and I know the kind of work they do. Always running around, auditing each register 4 or 5 times a day in 4 different shops with 2 registers each, getting lists of stuff from the warehouse for people, lugging things all around the airport, etc etc... they always look even more miserable and worn out than me. Always say they "skip their lunch breaks and work on them" just to get stuff done. I'm sure they aren't supposed to, but are pressured to no doubt. It's ghastly. So I turned it down. Some people thought I was dumb that I know, but they don't understand. They don't see it like I literally do. Everyday. It just drives me crazy that I work at a place where everyone is in such a rush, all the time.

Driving to and from home is starting to affect me, too. I go from being mostly alone at work (I don't count the customers as real company, especially because they each never stay very long), to being entirely alone on my drive to and from home. I listen to music or audiobooks, but it isn't always comforting. I start thinking about things going on in my mind. Sometimes happy things, but lately it usually merges over to thoughts like these, or worse. I've had emotional breakdowns while driving several times. Some times I should have pulled over, but didn't really care. I'm not suicidal, but there were a few times while driving in the pass that my brain had a momentary switch that said "just go off the road, whatever". I literally had to fight the switch in my brain to turn it off for a moment. It's not suicidal. It's just simply not caring. Choosing to just not do a damn thing, the body shutting down. You wan't to know what else is starting to bother me? Seeing roadkill. I'm usually one who can stomache gruesome things, hell I love horror and sci fi movies. But lately as I witness roadkill it is distrubing me. They all look so pathetic and helpless on the road, hit by some driver either carelessly or by accident. My brain suddenly goes into overdrive, and thinks, "What was this creature? What was it's life like? What was it doing, going across this road? What was it thinking? What was it's real goal? Did it have a family? Friends? Did it have hopes and dreams? Does it even have these thoughts? How can it not?". But one incident was really disturbing for me. I was driving home late one very dark night, and I saw this white little dog, some kind of terrier, walking on the road. It was in the other lane that I was not driving on, and he looked at me as I passed. He didn't seem scared, he just didn't seem to know what he was doing. Or where he was going. In the lane the dog was in, not very far away, was this big truck, that was going pretty fast. The dog still had time to get across the road, but it didn't seem to be moving. I wanted to stop. I wanted to put my car in reverse and get him. But I knew that was impossible. I would've been hit, too. As I drove further I kept thinking about the fate of the dog, if he was alright, if the truck stopped or was able to safely change lanes without hitting him. I tried not to think about it but couldn't help it. The next day, when I drove back home on the same stretch of road, I went past around the spot where I saw the dog. On the ground, one the same lane on the road, was a fluffy white little mound of what looked like crumpled up flesh. It didn't even resemble a dog anymore. I drove him in utter silence. I couldn't even cry. I just didn't even know how to feel.

I kept thinking what if I really was able to have saved that dog somehow? Who did it belong to? How did it get away? Why did it get away? What was going through it's head? Was it done on purpose? Did the owners of the dog, if it had any, ever find out the fate of their pet? And was it really that horrible speeding truck that caused the fate of this creature? These thoughts still circle in my mind. Why did it bother me so much? Why did I feel somehow connected? I guess I really kept thinking I could have done something. And what would have happened if the dog had lived, even without my help? Would he have been reuinted with his family? Or maybe been killed some other way, perhaps by a another animal?

My mind is plagued by "What ifs" these days. I keep looking back on events on my life wondering how things would have been different if I would have done certain things differently. You see, I also live by a military base, meaning I usually didn't grow up with the same friends very long, since they always moved. It's like new ones had to be rotated in every couple years. I guess that is a bit natural anyway. Except that to me it felt like they were extracted, forced to leave. After a while I stopped trying. Hung out mostly with the theater crowd. Except I wasn't as high on myself like most of them were. I wish I were though. Maybe I would be further ahead in life than I am right now.

I still live at home with my parents. Who almost got divorced. I wished it would have happened. There is nothing more obvious than two people who don't get along. Or don't love each other anymore. I get it though, I'm an adult. That's why by high school I would have almost welcomed a divorce. I understood it. But instead I have become almost their single thread of happiness, even though they complain about me a lot. They want me to master in computers just because I happen to know how to switch them on and they don't. But I'm too artistic. I want to write. Or make films. I always have. But I feel like I'm running out of energy to even try. Everything that I am going through is wearing me out.

I'm going to stop right here. I wore myself out, honestly. But I'm really just getting started. Wait til I get into my thoughts on how the world works, how much I now hate living in America, how I feel like I really can never leave my town... and how really no one really knows how anything works. Not even me.
"Let's be clear. The planet is not in jeopardy. We are in jeopardy. We haven't got the power to destroy the planet- or to save it. But we might have the power to save ourselves." -- Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton


#46 Blumen Cohlsman

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Posted 17 January 2012 - 02:08 AM

Reading through that, it's obvious something isn't quite right there. If this has been an ongoing issue (more than a week or two) I would strongly urge you to seek help from a professional.

And I can't stress enough how much of a "people over-do the whole I need to go to the doctor" person I am. But in this case, I think it would be a good choice. :)

#47 scallenger

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Posted 17 January 2012 - 02:48 AM

Not to sound ungrateful, blumenkohl, but I actually would never trust the advice from a phsychiatrist. Hell, I briefly dated one. Wow, I guess I have been around. And let me tell you he was pretty unhinged himself. How can I take his advice for what I should do? He isn't the only person I've known who was one, actually. And it seems like their views are life are even more derranged than my own. And a lot of them are complete assholes, really. I'd rather just chat about life with you people. At least I know we have at least one similar interest. Like talking things out with friends.

Friends. Another subject I touched on. With all my problems in my mind with my boyfriend (there's more of course but it's all typical i guess), and my friends working on my days off and vice versa, I either just see him or no one else. Just my parents when I get home, who always hover around me when I'm on the computer because the internet is in a room that they always go back and forth in. So my life has seemed to be in this cycle of isolation. Well, at my job, across the way at this yogurt place, this guy kept on like waving to me that works there. So I would wave back, we would do funny motions and etc. He finally came over on a break and we started chatting. Before you say anything, no, I'm 99 percent positive he isn't gay, too. But he was so friendly, and inviting. And fun. And such a nerd like me. He was just what I needed: someone, actually there, admist it all, to make me feel better. Well we actually hung out last night. And I seemed to have fun. So did he. We stayed out late. But now he is acting strange. Perhaps that triggered today's emotions. I know that's not totally true, but it's just infuriating. Infuriating how people can act like things alright, then all of a sudden, for what seems like no reason, things are wrong. Perhaps I acted too happy. Perhaps I acted too strange. Or maybe he thought I was coming onto him. What if I really was and didn't know it? I didn't do anything though. Except give a light hug when I left. Maybe that was too far? But why is that so bad? Why is it such a big deal to have contact? Are people that cold now to no longer require it? Maybe I'm just one of those people that wasn't hugged enough as a kid, and really want it now. With people I feel connected to.

I'm probably turning a lot of people off with all my babble. It's fine. Like last night, it's nothing new. I feel like I sound like I am just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe that's partially true. But it definitely isn't to get attention. It's a form of screaming. Just to let things out. I've let myself bottle things up for far too long all year. My car seems to be destroying itself. Gas prices apparently are going to rise this year from what I heard on the news just now. Don't get me started on politics. It may seem obvious that I am pretty liberal. But I also feel like both sides of the coin are full of shit. That's America for you. I really don't feel like I belong here. And according to most Republicans, I probably shouldn't be here. Or exist for that matter. It's all in my head. Let me give you a nickel's worth of free advice: it's not. I've lived it. So fuck off. If anyone ever needs convincing about that, I could tell a story about that, too.

A lot of things I doubt are just in my head. I think most people don't really think things through. Like my story about the dog on the road. You know how many people would just shrug it off? Or laugh at it? Or maybe feel sorry, but not really know why. I'm not even a big animal rights person... it's something beyond that. It really is undescribeable.

I am passionate when I do what to do something and actually have the energy to. I have, like I said, had a story in my head for years. I've verbally explained it to some friends who found it quite interesting. It's something that has matured with a heart over the years, and am really ready to pursue it. I started researching on alternate dimensions via NOVA programs and books I'm purchasing on Amazon. What's part of my hesitation, besides work? Well living at home, my parents are always around, and they give off this depressed vibe in the house due to their own issues. I need to move out, and before you say anything, me accepting that raise for that team lead position would not have helped. I did the math and checked. With my car paayments on top of it all as a few other bills, I would need a substantial raise of at least 2 or 3 dollars more. It simply can't work otherwise. Anyway, they seem to just suck the life out of me, and constantly remind me of harsh realities. It's like they dwell on them. I'm not allowed to dream for very long. Hell, after high school I wanted to go to college, and just do that for a few years before I got any job. They wouldn't have it, even though they could have helped the first couple years. So I had to get a job and pay for it all myself. Since my parents made too much I couldn't qualify for financial aid. Well, after a while school got to much, hours at work too cut. So I dropped school. Then I got stuck in "work is my life" mode. I want to go back. But it seems so impossible. I don't see how I can do one without the other, and yet I can't possibly do both. Maybe I'm just a weak person then. Or maybe I just don't have the same energy others do. Or maybe I just have too much shit on my mind.

Speaking of, I'm worn out again. I don't really know why I'm giving a life story. I feel foolish. Possibly laughed at. I simply don't mind now. It's just coming out.
"Let's be clear. The planet is not in jeopardy. We are in jeopardy. We haven't got the power to destroy the planet- or to save it. But we might have the power to save ourselves." -- Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton


#48 Koray Savas

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Posted 17 January 2012 - 04:20 AM

I don't have any type of advice that could help you out, scallanger, but I can relate to some of your problems, particularly regarding work and school. I too, would like to write, but I'm the biggest procrastinator I know and have absolutely no ambition to get anything done for myself. I just work retail, experiencing much of the same issues you have with your job, and hang out with friends whenever I can.

Again, not any help, but I understand where you're coming from.
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#49 Datameister

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Posted 17 January 2012 - 04:01 PM

First off, it sounds like you're one amazing dude. You care about stuff, which is far too rare these days. Don't write yourself off, because even though you may not feel it, you've got a LOT going for you. I know that just saying that doesn't help much, but it's true, so I can't help saying it. :)

Secondly, I'm afraid I agree with Blume. It's possible you just got unlucky and met some bad eggs in the psychiatric world...I've seen a number of different professionals for a few different issues over the years, and most (though not all) have been very helpful. Are they going to be perfect individuals? Certainly not. But they may be able to help you develop the tools to cope in a more healthy way, and that's the part that matters. And as someone who's been on an antidepressant for a number of months now (and is feeling a lot more normal and healthy because of it), I can say that if such medication ends up being prescribed, it could be very, very helpful. Keep in mind that the brain is just a chemical machine at the end of the day, and sometimes those chemicals just need a little modification to work in a healthy way.

Also, I can relate strongly to your feelings of disillusionment and resentment toward the world in general. People really suck sometimes. :(

Anyway, I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I would strongly encourage you to just hang on. Things are going to improve, I can nearly guarantee it.

#50 Red Rabbit

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Posted 18 January 2012 - 12:51 AM

There's a sort of drifting lull that comes on a lot of people when they get out of high school and into college, where they don't quite know what to do with their lives and sort of just go through the motions. I've been there and I know a lot of people who have. Though it may seem hopeless at times there is another side to it and once you get there, you realize you are better off for having been through it.
Do you like John Williams? His early work was a little too jazzy for my taste, but when Jaws came out in '75 I really think he came into his own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and an air of consummate professionalism that really gives the pieces a big boost. He's been compared to Jerry Goldsmith but I think John has a far more leitmotif-driven style of composing. In '82 John composed this, E.T., his most accomplished album to date. I think his undisputed masterpiece is "The Magic of Halloween", a theme so catchy most people don't listen to what it means. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of childhood and the importance of friendship, it's also a personal statement about the man himself. Hey Paul!
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#51 scallenger

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Posted 18 January 2012 - 07:03 AM

Thank you all for replying. It is touching to see that you guys care about my well-being when all you know of me is from my crazy posts above. I feel a bit better today, even though I had to go to work. Which really sucked, btw. But I somehow made the drive better. I put on the CD album version of the score from METROPOLIS. Somehow the music spoke to me, with it's larger than life scoring and it's memorable themes. I didn't realize how much I loved this score until today. I put it on to follow my listening of the new Batman Forever album. Interestingly, both scores really flowed into one another with some of it's similar style. Anyway, I think because the score went from mysterious, to saccharine, to intense, to majestic, to jaunty, to horrifying, and then going back and forth between it all... it felt like such a well-rounded symphony of life. Moreso than most scores, and this thing came from the 20s! (well, the writing anyway) I can see why Spielberg recently said Williams music "goes through the mind and straight to the heart". I didn't take that as saying his music wasn't intellectual. I took it as him saying that music, REAL GOOD MUSIC, speaks right to your heart, where the intellectual meaning, be it complex or simple, is irrelevant. Some of the most simple things are the most memorable anyway. And the most heartfelt. Like someone who spends all this crazy money and plans this crazy and intense trip for an anniversary, complete with a sight-seeing list or schedule that is as impressive as it is complex. Is that good? Or how about instead a very heartfelt card, hand-written, explaining to the person how much you really mean to them, and exactly why it's so good to have them around. Maybe accompany it with a nice dinner, and bam: something way better than anything complex. At least for me.

I've thought about getting some kind of perscription at least for times like these. But all of that costs money, doesn't it? At least in the States. Hell, I don't even live on my own or with roomates yet. How could I afford that right now? Even so, I'd rather use some of that same money to get out. I really think it would help. I think I just need a change. A positive change. I just feel like I need help I guess. And just someone to talk to other than the people I have been. They just aren't there for me. A lot of which I understand. You can't always be there for someone. But I feel like people are slipping further apart that I know. Including the guy I'm with. I can't talk like this to him. Not this intensely anyway. He has to keep his persona happy it seems. Or is it really just... he has to be fake? Has to appeal to others? No idea. I even told him I'm depressed. He didn't even seem that concerned. Eventually just started talking about his problems. He is one of those people you can't talk to for more than 2 minutes without him running over you're words. The rare times he let's you talk, it feels like he isn't truly paying attention. It's whatever to me now, though. Hmm.

Koray, I'm glad you know how I feel. I like to say to people, "You have not really lived the true essence of modern life until you have worked retail." That includes restaurants, sit-down or fast-food type. Especially fast-food. It really sucks. It drains the life out of you, especially every year longer you stay at the same job. I've only been at this new place for a year, VS the 5 years I was at Hollywood Video, and I'm already hating it. Then again, despite the increased pay, I do think my new job and the situation of it is far worse than Hollywood was.

I think what kills me is I am always on the move it seems. I don't get to stay in place too long. I keep going back and forth between two towns. Most of the people I know now living in the town of my job, including my boyfriend. So I feel a bit isolated at my actual home. But over there, I don't feel like I have one. So I feel like I am caught between two worlds constantly. And I feel like I don't belong to either one of them.

Data, you're very sweet to think highly of me as you wrote. I'm hoping you really are right, and I'm hoping I can get through this. I try not to write myself off, but because of things like my recent incident with that "friend", it's hard for me to trust myself because I feel like people lie to me a lot about myself. Or they stretch the truth. Meaning: they say good things about me, and then they avoid me. It's a running theme. Perhaps I try to get to close. But it doesn't feel that way to me. I think what it really is, is this: I'm good enough to be known, I'm good enough to be included (sometimes), I'm good enough to be called their friend. When they have time. I'm not allowed to be someone that is around them a lot. Someone they go out of their way sometimes just to be around. Maybe I expect some friends to have the same level of reception as a boyfriend, minus everything sexual of course. Is that wrong? Is that sick? Maybe I just watched too many movies and saw how some friendships were. Actually, I garuntee that now. I really feel like movies lied to me.

Red Rabbit, it's actually really interesting that you said what you did about the period between getting out of high school and getting into college. That is exactly the period of time I want to write about for my novel, for I feel it's an experience not written about very much, fiction or not. It's something that has been horrendous for me. Some people don't know what it's like. Some people seem to have had everything in life handed to them. I don't respect that. It's too unreal. I can tell a LOT of my customers are like that. I work at the Palm Springs airport, and since it's a resort town, a lot of people are snooty rich (or fairly rich) people that feel like the world owes them everything just because they were taught how to rape money correctly. I applaud them for their bastardly skill, but at the same time I hate how they act better than me. I get paid only 9 dollars an hour... do you think I give a shit who you are, treating me like that? LOL.

Anyway, thank you all for your responses. I guess we will just wait and see where it goes from here. Ugh... :/
"Let's be clear. The planet is not in jeopardy. We are in jeopardy. We haven't got the power to destroy the planet- or to save it. But we might have the power to save ourselves." -- Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton


#52 scallenger

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 09:20 PM

An addition:

You want to hear a "dumb people at work" story? Here is one thanks to yesterday. I call it: Technical Idiots.

I arrive to work with the sight of a computer all wrecked havoc on. Lovely. I can see how this day was going to start. Luckily there is a 2nd register available. Before I'm even able to clock in, I hear the words, "You're young, do you know anything about computers?". I'm all for one about taking jokes, but literally this kind of thinking is bugging me more and more everytime I hear it. I hear it all the time. Just because I wear glasses and am in my 20s means I'm some sort of technical genius? Should I be happy or offended? It's really bizzare to me. Anyway, I shrugged that off and said, "Depends on what's going on and with what kind of system." They tell me that the printer on the register isn't working at all. I ask if they called technical support. They said yes and couldn't figure it out. I asked if they called the manager at all. They said no, he was on a conference call. Lovely. I asked if they even rebooted the computer. No. Of course not. So I reboot it for them. As that is happening, I had a sudden thought. I checked under the register... and to my surprise... or lack of... I saw that one of the power surges had somehow been switched to OFF. With a flick, I figured out in less than 5 minutes what they apparently couldn't figure out in an 8 hour shift. Ta da! All set! No wonder why I've become unhinged!

But it doesn't end there. Somehow within the mess of these people trying to fix something that was beyond easily solved, they screwed up the scanner for the computer! It wasn't on at all, no matter what even I did. Turning it off, turning it on, hitting the damn thing, unplugging it, plugging it back in, restarting, nothing. Turns out somehow someone broke it in the process of everything that happened, so I had to wait for someone else to figure out... because the team lead with me had to clock out, as well as the other person. Which then left me stranded alone on one register... with a mass of people for a flight... which then tripled because 2 other flights got delayed... which gave me a line of grumpy-ass people for 2 hours straight, and no way to even get backup since the scanner was down. I work at the busiest store in the god damn airport. Lovely.

Eventually the closing team lead arrived and was able to get a new cord for a sanner to work. But by then the line had dissapated. My manager then arrives on scene and says, "you hanging in there?". I give a sarcastic nod. He then asks, "Well, need anything for the store?". Lovely. I see his priorities, of course. Typical. My response, "Haven't had a chance to even give it a glance yet." Never saw him the rest of the day.

What kills me is that I had to suffer for the stupidity of other people at work. That is something that I can't stand or tolerate. Why should I? And for the last time... it doesn't take a god damn technical genius to turn on a fucking switch! Seriously. My grandma knows more about that than these people, and she is 80+! No joke!

The worst part was, I didn't even get an "I'm sorry" from the team lead in question. She merely was like "I thought I did that". And when I was restarting the computer, she was waiting around and saying "I don't have time for this! I have to go!" and I said, "Well go ahead... I've restarted a computer here before... I know what to do." She says, "Well you aren't supposed to touch it when it restarts!" I tell her, "I know... it says so right on the screen." She gave me a smartass look and then said, "Alright, well I'm going then."

They ask me for my technical expertise, and THEN they treat me like I'm an idiot about it? Unbelievable.
"Let's be clear. The planet is not in jeopardy. We are in jeopardy. We haven't got the power to destroy the planet- or to save it. But we might have the power to save ourselves." -- Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton


#53 Datameister

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 11:14 PM

People amaze me. :shakehead:

#54 Trent Bennett

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Posted 20 January 2012 - 12:12 AM

Drink only water or juice. Avoid wheat.


If you mean avoid wheat bread but sorry wheat bread is the only type of bread I'll eat and it's A LOT healthier for you than white bread. I can't really stand the taste of white bread. I use to eat it all the time but once I switched to wheat is when I realized how awful taste white bread had.
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#55 Chaac

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Posted 20 January 2012 - 08:20 AM

I meant wheat in general.

As for bread, I never buy it, and I hardly ever eat it.

#56 Trent Bennett

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Posted 20 January 2012 - 08:41 AM

I meant wheat in general.

As for bread, I never buy it, and I hardly ever eat it.


Ah I most of the time stay away from wheat in general except for bread.

Actually home made bread is a lot better for you than the store bought kind.
"Let's make sure history never forgets the name......Enterprise." - Captain Picard

#57 Drax

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Posted 21 January 2012 - 06:51 AM

If your parents are about half a million dollars in debt, are nearing retirement and you want their assets, consult a very good financial advisor or rob a bank.

#58 GoodMusician

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Posted 25 February 2012 - 04:46 PM

Not sure if I should revive this thread, but I figure this is a great place to talk about this issue that's been plaguing me lately.

I moved from Florida to Texas to try and start my life. I gave up my friends, my family, everything... dropped it all in one month and drove 16 hours away to start my life. Many things have changed for better or worse in my life... but one aspect is I began dating someone and have been with him nearly 2 years now (almost to the day).

Lately though, we've been having some issues becuase...well...we're not getting younger and he wants to persue his goals in life and so do I (hence the reason I moved here).

The career I want is a composer... music to a medium. Or even sound design or editing. I can do each. I've been studying film music and developing my techniques for writing.

I did a fan film recently which has some examples of my work but unforunately the relationship I'm in hindered me during that time. I felt guilty for working so hard on the project and it created such tension that we nearly broke up and the project was woefully delayed and my writing suffered from it.

I've...grown a lot since then and kinda learned how better to manage my time instead of devoting to one thing and forgetting the rest lol...

Anyway, we've reached the crossroads again...

He's getting his life in order, and thus, I plan to. I'm developing my demo CD now that my software is good enough and can handle the type of music I make and I already am subscribed to certain websites where people post needs for composers and editors. I also live near Austin which is a music mecca so I'm in the right place, have the ability, the drive... but the one thing, the only thing standing in my way...

He keeps telling me I'm throwing us away by persuing this. That I'm jeopardizing us. I tell him that I could never be happy NOT persuing this.

So I have to ask this... is this insane? Am I being nieve? Its something that has driven me my whole life... I learned to play the viola and almost got a free ride at college for viola performance becuase I wanted to play classical music I heard in the cartoons. I've always heard the music in the tv shows and movies. I have recordings of myself playing the piano and writing music from when I was 10! I'm nearly 26 now...

But is it wrong...in a general sense... to persue your dreams... even at the sake of your relationship? Or does this hint to something great...a greater issue... a flaw in the relationship.

I always imagined that you should be supportive in a relationship... and if someone isn't, does that mean maybe the realtionship is flawed inherintly?

I find that whatever I do, I strive to be the best I can be...that means focus...that means drive... that means determination. That means doing what it takes to be the best... but is that mutually exclusive from having a healthy relationship?

I'd be interested to hear everyones thoughts on the issue...
Is it not sad that in this time, we are more surprised by acts of love than acts of hate?
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#59 Stefancos

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Posted 25 February 2012 - 04:57 PM

Relationships are ALWAYS about compromise. And it has to come from both sides.

First of all, he thinks that you are putting your relationship in danger by pursuing a certain dream. You have to ask yourself if he is an any way right.
If the answer is yes, and it will put a train on your relationship, then you have to determine for yourself if your dream is worth that.

People who strive to get the best out of themselves will often have to make certain sacrifices. In a way you have to be quite selfish (which you probably are if you have just given up one life in pursuit of another)

#60 GoodMusician

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Posted 25 February 2012 - 05:39 PM

Well, I moved away from friends and fmaily to start my life. THey understood that... the relationships I lost were becuase of the guy I'm with not approving of them lol...

As for will it strain the relationship? Yes. But so will having a full time job, being sick a week, getting a dog, going full time to school.

But will it be more than that? WIll it financially hurt us? Will he make things worse? No. It'll make me happy. It'll take some of my time spent doing other things like writing or playing video games away, but will it truly adversely effect him? No. He's afraid it will, and with understandable concearn, but no...it won't be more stressfull than anything else.


As for selfish...there's one thing I'm learning every day its how fast giving of yourself... turns into giving away yourself. I'm not saying I don't like giving. I do...I find more enjoyment in that anyway...

But I give so much that I tend to break down after a while... its almost inevitable that I break. And as I told a friend recently, no one is ever fully for you, fully behind you. No one ever has all your best interests in mind...except you.

In the end, I don't think I'd be happy if I weren't doing something musically. He doesn't want me to perform (which I haven't since we met), he doesn't want me to write... makes me wonder who's selfish in this scenario :-p
Is it not sad that in this time, we are more surprised by acts of love than acts of hate?
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#61 Henry Buck

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Posted 25 February 2012 - 09:14 PM

I would never leave all my friends and family behind because my partner didn't approve of them. You really need to ask yourself what's most important. Relationships come and go, but careers are so time sensitive. If you don't take the time to pursue this now, you may never make it.

#62 crocodile

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Posted 25 February 2012 - 09:17 PM

:up:

Karol
"Modern, serious music has become embroiled in an intellectual discussion that has no place in music. Certainly, the great composer of the past were geniuses and used their intellect, but only to serve their emotions and guide their craft. Not to dictate to them what they should or shouldn't write" - Michael Kamen, 1995

 


#63 Stefancos

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Posted 25 February 2012 - 09:33 PM

I agree with Henry here.

Seems like you made a big sacrifice by giving up your friends for him. Now he seems unwilling to also make sacrifices.

Who knew that the bumlords could also have complicated relationships. All the time I thought it was just women who made things hard....

#64 GoodMusician

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Posted 25 February 2012 - 11:06 PM

The order was a bit different than all that. I moved here on my own accord. But when I started dating him, certain aspects of my old life fell away. I use to drive back home to florida nearly ever 4-6 months. One time I went twice in two months becuase my best friends father died suddenly. I stayed there nerely a month until everything was taken care of. He and I dont' speak anymore because of my bf...

I was a bit too quick to 'sacrifice' in that instance... but I'm slowly coming back from it.

And thanks for the kind words stef ;-)
Is it not sad that in this time, we are more surprised by acts of love than acts of hate?
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#65 scallenger

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Posted 04 March 2012 - 01:20 AM

You know how I feel about this, GM. Although my response are usually more sharp tongued, like "ditch the bitch". But same response really as the rest of these people, right? He most certainly does NOT have your best interests in mind. All he truly cares about is himself. Which is fine, really. But that doesn't mean you have to be dragged along with him because of it. It's time to leave. I really don't know what you are waiting for. Either go back home, or take advantage of any help offered to you.

Perhaps if you want to hear more honest responses from people here, you should tell them the other parts of your situation with your man that you have left out. Not to put you on the spot, but I'd say they are pretty damn important in your "choice" you have here, which really, I don't think there is a choice here. You know what you really need to do. You're just too scared to do it. Because you are scared of him. Not that I'm any better at doing what I really need to do either. But I'd say you have much higher stakes with your situation right now than I do.

Here is something I will say that I know to the people here in this thread: he feels he has to go through his man if he can buy Hook or not when it is released. If any of you know GM like I do, Hook is like his FAVORITE score (next to Lost World, right?). The fact that he has to ask ANYONE if he can acquire this, I am sure, very limited release to something that has been so dear to him since before I even knew him (years and years now) is outrageous. Getting Hook is not okay by him, but going out and getting him fast food and drinks is? Give me a break. He has a job, you have a job. You both make your own money. He has spent it on outrageous things without consulting you, am I right? Hell, even non-outrageous things, doesn't matter. Fact is, this guy doesn't give a shit about you or anything you admire. And that's fine, not everyone has to like you. So leave him! And if I have to end up buying Hook for you because this bastard is really that controlling where he'll check to see if you did it, I'll be pissed off. But yet, I'll still do it. Because I know how much it means to you. He clearly still doesn't know who the hell you really are. And if he does, then that makes him all the more pathetic and idiotic.

If you all think I'm sounding harsh, it's because I know a bit more about this situation. But if he decides to divludge more of past happenings with this "fine fellow", then maybe you'll see why I'm so angry that my friend is stil leashed next to Jabba The Hutt. Time to open up the Sarlacc Pit.
"Let's be clear. The planet is not in jeopardy. We are in jeopardy. We haven't got the power to destroy the planet- or to save it. But we might have the power to save ourselves." -- Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton


#66 Stefancos

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Posted 04 March 2012 - 02:10 AM

Inequality in a relationship is just soooo old-fashioned.

If my gf complaints about me ordering another cd, i'll just bring up the matter of her ever increasing collection of pretty but useless and uncomfortable shoes.

btw Scallenger, if i were GM, i'd be pissed for betraying my trust and portraying me like a hen-pecked scared little bitch...

#67 scallenger

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Posted 04 March 2012 - 05:46 AM

It's not my intent to portray him like that, and if that is how it came across I am sorry. And this isn't betraying trust, I didn't say what I could have, and it's his choice if he wants to or not. I won't pressure it any further. But I feel like he is undermining what he has at stake with the advice he is asking for. He needs more than just advice. He needs to just go through with it, and get help confronting with what he really is afraid of. Thing is, I don't think I or anyone here can really help with that. I believe he needs to seek people that are physically around him, which he seems to be starting to do. But I guess I'm concerned you aren't doing it fast enough, GM. I worry about you, a lot. It hurts that I myself can't do more than what I am doing right now. I'll understand if you're a bit angry at me. But you know me well enough to know I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't think it was important for you to confront.

I won't say any more about it. I'm sure you will do what is best.
"Let's be clear. The planet is not in jeopardy. We are in jeopardy. We haven't got the power to destroy the planet- or to save it. But we might have the power to save ourselves." -- Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park by Michael Crichton





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