What does a composer says to another composer who just frightened him?
"You scored the shit out of me!"
The Music-Related Jokes Thread!
Started by BloodBoal, Mar 16 2012 03:11 PM
44 replies to this topic
#1
BloodBoal
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 03:11 PM
'Forget the notes!' - Hans Zimmer, June 2013
#2
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 03:13 PM
The first thing a composer must learn is how to conduct himself
Among all the things I have done in my short and pitiful life, becoming an inside joke on JWFAN is the one I'm the least proud of.
#3
chuckster312
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 03:19 PM
A movie director hired a well known composer to write the score for his new family film. After seeing the film the composer decided that a really different instrumentation would best fit the mood of the film. So he decided to use the woodwind sections from three of the best jazz bands and the high string sections of three of the world's best symphony orchestras for his composition. A short while after the soundtrack had been added to the film, the composer received a really angry message from the movie director. It seems that the film rating board had given his family film an "R" rating for too much sax and violins.
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What kind of movies do evil composers like? Anything with violins!
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What kind of movies do evil composers like? Anything with violins!
If you put John Williams in a dryer, you get Jerry Goldsmith! You get the downside version!
#4
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 03:20 PM
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Danger.
Danger who?
Danger Motif.
Oh not you again.
Who's there?
Danger.
Danger who?
Danger Motif.
Oh not you again.
#5
chuckster312
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 03:21 PM
Steven Spielberg was discussing his newest project - an action docudrama about famous composers, starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all being courted for the top roles.
Hoping to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, Spielberg was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, providing they were among the most famous.
"I have always admired Mozart," declared Stallone. "I would really love to play him."
"I have always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," stated Seagal. "He is the one I would like to play."
"Chopin has always been my favorite and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," Willis said. "I'll play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid," he said. Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Well Arnold, who would you like to be?"
"I'll be Bach!" Schwarzenegger replied.
Hoping to have the box office "oomph" of these superstars, Spielberg was prepared to allow them to select the composers they would portray, providing they were among the most famous.
"I have always admired Mozart," declared Stallone. "I would really love to play him."
"I have always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," stated Seagal. "He is the one I would like to play."
"Chopin has always been my favorite and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," Willis said. "I'll play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid," he said. Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Well Arnold, who would you like to be?"
"I'll be Bach!" Schwarzenegger replied.
If you put John Williams in a dryer, you get Jerry Goldsmith! You get the downside version!
#6
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 03:27 PM
#7
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 03:42 PM
Robert Shaw (the famous conductor):
If God gave you the talent to compose, you should compose.
If you can't compose, you should play or sing.
If you can't play or sing, you should teach.
If you can't teach, you should go to arts administration.
And if you can't do arts administration,
you can always conduct.
If God gave you the talent to compose, you should compose.
If you can't compose, you should play or sing.
If you can't play or sing, you should teach.
If you can't teach, you should go to arts administration.
And if you can't do arts administration,
you can always conduct.
Ars superior est vita hominum.
"We pop out and come into the world and music is there. We didn't invent it - it's all organised in the atmosphere by divinity or whatever. It's a miracle." - John Williams-
I think music is a stream of some kind. It could be blood. It could be water. It could be ether. Whatever it is it seems to be a living, organic force that’s in motion, that serves humanity and is part of humanity and part of what describes us as humans. We sing, play, dance, all the things that we do. And there is a vibrant and great literature we have been given. ... As musicians, we join the stream. We swim in the stream with all the other millions of music makers. It’s a life force, a strong one, surrounding us and we are part of it. -John Williams-
#8
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 04:27 PM
Miklos Rozsa on when asked to score Star Wars: Ben-hur done that, however "I don't understand out of space, I'm too much of a terrestrial creature"
Among all the things I have done in my short and pitiful life, becoming an inside joke on JWFAN is the one I'm the least proud of.
#9
Wojo
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 04:30 PM
Did you guys hear Willie Nelson died today?
He was playing on the road again.
He was playing on the road again.
I suggest a full frontal assault with automated laser monkeys, scalpel mines, and acid.
#10
crocodile
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 04:36 PM
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Danger.
Danger who?
Danger Motif.
Oh not you again.
Karol
From a storytelling point of view, from a directing point of view, there is one thing I associate with what he does, which is calm. There is such an inherent calm and inherent trust of the one powerful image, that he makes me embarrassed with my own work, in terms of how many different shots, how many different sound effects, how many different things we’ll throw at an audience to make an impression. But with Kubrick, there is such a great trust of the one correct image to calmly explain something to audience. There can be some slowness to the editing. There’s nothing frenetic about it. It’s very simple. There’s a trust in simple storytelling and simple image making that actually takes massive confidence to try and emulate.
- Christopher Nolan
#11
Alexander
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 06:57 PM
Miklos Rozsa on Scoring Star Wars: Ben-hur done that, I don't do space however.
"I don't understand out of space, I'm too much of a terrestrial creature" - Miklos Rozsa when asked if he wanted to score Star Wars
#12
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 07:03 PM
I thought that quote was from when he was asked to score Star Trek 2
It's true. You're my role model, Stefan Cosman.
#13
Michael
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 11:13 PM
I thought that quote was from when he was asked to score Star Trek 2
Isn't that the same thing?
If you start taking yourself seriously, then you’re in deep trouble! - Jerry Goldsmith
#14
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Posted 16 March 2012 - 11:19 PM
...........
It's true. You're my role model, Stefan Cosman.
#15
indy4
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 12:00 AM
Not to decrease the average maturity level of the posts in this thread, but: Are you french honry for my tromboner?
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1. Nightwatch/Killer By Night - Johnny Williams and Quincy Jones 2. Diamond Head/Gone with the Wave - Johnny Williams/Lalo Schifrin 3. Mass - Leonard Bernstein 4. Bernstein with the New York Philharmonic - Leonard Bernstein
#16
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 12:20 AM
How do you know when the stage is perfectly level?
The percussionists are all drooling out of BOTH sides of their mouths....
The percussionists are all drooling out of BOTH sides of their mouths....
-So much of what we do is ephemeral and quickly forgotten, even by ourselves, so it's gratifying to have something you have done linger in people's memories.
JW
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#17
Wojo
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 02:36 AM
How do you tune two piccolos?
Shoot one of them.
Shoot one of them.
I suggest a full frontal assault with automated laser monkeys, scalpel mines, and acid.
#18
Shane
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 09:52 AM
One summer night, an orchestra performed Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Since it was a very hot night and the players were working up quite a sweat, the ventilators were turned on. The wind from the ventilators caused the score to fly all over the place, so it was tied down to the note holders. The ventilators also made such a racket, that the bassists decided that it didn't matter if they downed a few pints and got drunk as lords. Two of them got so drunk, they passed out. The violinist was so disgusted, he got up to leave but slipped and fell. Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out and the fans were cheering wildly as a man slid home.
#19
Richard
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 11:17 AM
One day, some archeologists heard scratching noises coming from within Mozart's grave. They opened it up to find Mozart covering all his scores with black ink. "What are you doing?", they asked him, to which he replied: "I'm decomposing".
#20
Stefancos
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 11:20 AM
Musical joke?
It's true. You're my role model, Stefan Cosman.
#21
Incanus
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 11:26 AM
A bit below the belt but it's was a good one Stefan.
Ars superior est vita hominum.
"We pop out and come into the world and music is there. We didn't invent it - it's all organised in the atmosphere by divinity or whatever. It's a miracle." - John Williams-
I think music is a stream of some kind. It could be blood. It could be water. It could be ether. Whatever it is it seems to be a living, organic force that’s in motion, that serves humanity and is part of humanity and part of what describes us as humans. We sing, play, dance, all the things that we do. And there is a vibrant and great literature we have been given. ... As musicians, we join the stream. We swim in the stream with all the other millions of music makers. It’s a life force, a strong one, surrounding us and we are part of it. -John Williams-
#22
Richard
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 11:27 AM
Agreed: the best, yet!!!
#23
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 12:11 PM
I don't get it. For the joke to work Zimmer would have to be a bad musician.
#24
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 01:40 PM
Your iPad must not have translated the funny!
It's true. You're my role model, Stefan Cosman.
#25
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 01:42 PM
Ohmygod, that scarf does not go with those shoes. Fashion police, fashion police, move it.
I suggest a full frontal assault with automated laser monkeys, scalpel mines, and acid.
#26
Stefancos
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 01:57 PM
His shoes?
It's true. You're my role model, Stefan Cosman.
#27
Scarpia
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 02:55 PM
When a member of the orchestra is incapable of doing his job right, they give him two sticks, and send him to the back of the orchestra.
When that memeber still isn't capable of doing his job right, they take away one of his sticks, and send him to the front of the orchestra.
I loved this one!
When that memeber still isn't capable of doing his job right, they take away one of his sticks, and send him to the front of the orchestra.
How do you tune two piccolos?
Shoot one of them.
I loved this one!
#28
wanner251
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 04:28 PM
Originally I was going to write: how do you make the percussionists drool out of both sides of their mouths? Level the stage... Wait...
-So much of what we do is ephemeral and quickly forgotten, even by ourselves, so it's gratifying to have something you have done linger in people's memories.
JW
JW
#29
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 08:53 PM
How do you know a drummer is knocking at your door?
He keeps slowing down.
He keeps slowing down.
I suggest a full frontal assault with automated laser monkeys, scalpel mines, and acid.
#30
indy4
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 09:02 PM
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor.
Recently Purchased CDs:
1. Nightwatch/Killer By Night - Johnny Williams and Quincy Jones 2. Diamond Head/Gone with the Wave - Johnny Williams/Lalo Schifrin 3. Mass - Leonard Bernstein 4. Bernstein with the New York Philharmonic - Leonard Bernstein
1. Nightwatch/Killer By Night - Johnny Williams and Quincy Jones 2. Diamond Head/Gone with the Wave - Johnny Williams/Lalo Schifrin 3. Mass - Leonard Bernstein 4. Bernstein with the New York Philharmonic - Leonard Bernstein
#31
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 09:03 PM
How do you tune two piccolos?
Shoot one of them.
"Shoot them. Shoot the both"
How do you know a drummer is knocking at your door?
He keeps slowing down.
#32
Stefancos
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 09:04 PM
No viola jokes yet?
It's true. You're my role model, Stefan Cosman.
#33
Pasi Tiitinen
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Posted 17 March 2012 - 09:05 PM
You first.
#34
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Posted 19 March 2012 - 12:47 AM
There's a car with a violist falling down a cliff. What is that?
A terrible waste! There was room for three more.
A terrible waste! There was room for three more.
#35
indy4
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Posted 19 March 2012 - 12:50 AM
Why did Bach have so many children? He didn't have a stop on his organ.
Recently Purchased CDs:
1. Nightwatch/Killer By Night - Johnny Williams and Quincy Jones 2. Diamond Head/Gone with the Wave - Johnny Williams/Lalo Schifrin 3. Mass - Leonard Bernstein 4. Bernstein with the New York Philharmonic - Leonard Bernstein
1. Nightwatch/Killer By Night - Johnny Williams and Quincy Jones 2. Diamond Head/Gone with the Wave - Johnny Williams/Lalo Schifrin 3. Mass - Leonard Bernstein 4. Bernstein with the New York Philharmonic - Leonard Bernstein
#36
pixie_twinkle
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Posted 19 March 2012 - 03:27 PM
The conducter walked out onto the stage to deafening applause. After bowing to the audience, he turned to the orchestra. Silence fell. Just as he was about to raise his arms to begin, he noticed the principle violist sobbing, quietly. The conducter rather self-consciously bent over the podium to the violist and whispered "What's the problem?"
The violist looked up at him in dismay and answered "The principle cellist just detuned one of my strings!"
His voice rising in frustration, the conductor harshly whispered "Well why don't you just tune it again, quickly!"
The violist burst into floods of tears and wailed "He won't tell me which one!!!"
The violist looked up at him in dismay and answered "The principle cellist just detuned one of my strings!"
His voice rising in frustration, the conductor harshly whispered "Well why don't you just tune it again, quickly!"
The violist burst into floods of tears and wailed "He won't tell me which one!!!"
"Will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?"
#37
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Posted 11 May 2012 - 01:32 PM
Does anyone find the main theme from Silvestri's The Avengers to be really low-key?
Oh, boy, I'm on fire!
Oh, boy, I'm on fire!
'Forget the notes!' - Hans Zimmer, June 2013
#38
tannhauser
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Posted 11 May 2012 - 01:47 PM
How can you tell which are the trumpet players kids at a playground?
They don't know how to swing.
They don't know how to swing.
Oh, War Horse is great! - John Williams
#39
chuckster312
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Posted 11 May 2012 - 01:51 PM
Does anyone find the main theme from Silvestri's The Avengers to be really low-key?
I heard he's Thor after finishing the score.
If you put John Williams in a dryer, you get Jerry Goldsmith! You get the downside version!
#40
BloodBoal
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Posted 11 May 2012 - 02:07 PM
Does anyone find the main theme from Silvestri's The Avengers to be really low-key?
I heard he's Thor after finishing the score.
So, is that the reason why he didn't included the Thor-beat pattern in the score?
'Forget the notes!' - Hans Zimmer, June 2013
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