Why John Williams quite obviously sucks....

[BLUMENKOHL 1,068]

THIS IS ALL PRESENTED IN JOHN WILLIAMS LANGUAGE, SO THE JERK EASILY UNDERSTANDS IT.

What do damnable deadbeats, lecherous roustabouts, and Mr. John T Williams have in common? If you answered, "They all give expression to that which is most destructive and most harmful to society," then pat yourself on the back. One of the first facts we should face is that Mr. Williams is typical of indecent cads in his wild invocations to the irrational, the magic, and the fantastic to dramatize his squibs. He has vowed that quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "spinulosodenticulate" he'll help pretentious fugitives evade capture by the authorities. This is hardly news; Mr. Williams has been vowing that for months with the regularity of a metronome. What is news is that one of his lickspittles once said, "Children should get into cars with strangers who wave lots of yummy candy at them." Now that's pretty funny, of course, but I didn't include that quote just to make you laugh. I included it to convince you that if Mr. Williams's habitués had even an ounce of integrity, they would create a world in which irrationalism, obscurantism, and commercialism are all but forgotten.

I will not quibble with Mr. Williams as to whether or not he hurts people wherever they may be, penthouse or poorhouse. Instead, I'll simply state that Mr. Williams leaves me no choice but to stampede into the abattoir and leave it at that. By brainwashing his helots with denominationalism, he makes them easy to lead, easy to program, and easy to enslave. The facts as I see them simply do not support the false, but widely accepted, notion that coercion in the name of liberty is a valid use of state power. One indication of this is the fact that my purpose here is not to solve the problems of incendiarism, larrikinism, economic inequality, and lack of equal opportunity. Well, okay, it is. But I should point out that many people are incredulous when I tell them that Mr. Williams intends to advocate solecism-oriented hatchet jobs. "How could Mr. Williams be so overweening?", they ask me. "It doesn't seem possible." Well, it is honestly possible, and now I'll explain exactly how Mr. Williams plans to do it. But first, you need to realize that his latest manifesto, like all the ones that preceded it, is a consummate anthology of disastrously bad writing teeming with misquotations and inaccuracies, an odyssey of anecdotes that are occasionally entertaining, but certainly not informative.

Mr. Williams is a drooling, hydra-headed monster of force and terror. The reason is clear. Mr. Williams yields to the mammalian desire to assert individuality by attracting attention. Unfortunately, for Mr. Williams, "attract attention" usually implies "divert us from proclaiming what in our innermost conviction is absolutely necessary". I don't have a high opinion of sinister porn stars. Excuse me; that's not entirely correct. What I meant to say is that documents written by Mr. Williams's chums typically include the line, "The most valuable skill one can have is to be able to lie convincingly", in large, 30-point type, as if the size of the font gives weight to the words. In reality, all that that fancy formatting really does is underscore the fact that Mr. Williams has a knack for convincing the most myopic social outcasts you'll ever see that the worst types of quasi-inarticulate, grumpy bullies there are make the best scout leaders and schoolteachers. That's called marketing. The underlying trick is to use sesquipedalian terms like "superphlogistication" and "honorificabilitudinity" to keep his sales pitch from sounding prudish. That's why you really have to look hard to see that I'm not writing this letter for your entertainment. I'm not even writing it for your education. I'm writing it for our very survival.

Imagine getting a dollar every time Mr. Williams said he wouldn't paralyze any serious or firm decision and thereby become responsible for the weak and half-hearted execution of even the most necessary measures, but did so anyway. You'd be very, very rich. I have a T-shirt emblazoned with the following inscription: "Mr. Williams's proxies must be exposed and neutralized wherever they lurk." I like to wear that T-shirt to make a point about how I am highly critical of those who tolerate or apologize for people who work with Mr. Williams. To top that off, Mr. Williams is always prating about how his non-fans are too misguided to spread the word about his anti-democratic, mad propositions to our friends, our neighbors, our relatives, our co-workers -- even to strangers. (He used to say that my bitterness at him is merely the latent projection of libidinal energy stemming from self-induced anguish, but the evidence is too contrary, so he's given up on that score.)

What do we owe Mr. Williams? Nothing, absolutely nothing. If he claims otherwise, we have to stand firm and point out that Mr. Williams has spent untold hours trying to feed us ever-larger doses of his lies and crackpot assumptions. During that time, did it ever once occur to him that a day without Mr. Williams would be like a day without nettlesome, rash ageism? We already have our answer; as a respected journalist put it, "Most of what Mr. Williams says is pure gibberish". She probably could have added that we find among narrow and uneducated minds the belief that Mr. Williams's the best thing to come along since the invention of sliced bread. This belief is due to a basic confusion, which can be cleared up simply by stating that Mr. Williams has compiled an impressive list of grievances against other composers. Not only are all of these grievances completely fictitious, but you may be worried that Mr. Williams will abet a resurgence of disrespectful radicalism faster than you can say "plethysmographically". If so, then I, speaking as someone who is not a vapid nitwit, share your misgivings. But let's not worry about that now. Instead, let's discuss my observation that if Mr. Williams's obiter dicta get any more imprudent, I expect they'll grow legs and attack me in my sleep. You've never heard Mr. Williams announce that he plans to stigmatize any and all attempts to help you reflect and reexamine your views on Mr. Williams? Well, he has repeatedly enunciated such a plan, but in his typically convoluted way. The next time he decides to destroy our sense of safety in the places we ordinarily imagine we can flee to with his attrocious music, he should think to himself, cui bono? -- who benefits? As a parting thought, remember that Mr. John T Williams's bookish attempts to convince others that hectoring, snarky sad sacks are the "musical chosen people" of scriptural prophecy are well-nigh unforgivable.

[John Crichton 4]

Well, it's certainly not a Horner post.

[Admiral Holdo 16]

Well, that's a Jungian-Fruedian representation of the uninhibited hedonistic id that is trying to surface, with the... um... repression and... err... buttsecks.

[HPFAN_2 0]

This looks like something Ayn Rand would write.

[BLUMENKOHL 1,068]

Actually it's the kind of language with which Williams would speak.

[Red 75]

Didn't even bother to read it.

[Neimoidian 14]

I printed it to read it in a free time (probably on the toilet seat). I hope it's worth it.

[HPFAN_2 0]

I printed it to read it in a free time (probably on the toilet seat). I hope it's worth it.

It's a spiral of nothingness so yes it will be useful in the bathroom.

[Datameister 2,044]

Can't decide whether to laugh or not.

[Richard Penna 3,694]

Didn't even bother to read it.

[Sixers 0]

Hilarious.

[Jacob 0]

Damn Goldsmith lover.

[JWfangirl1992 18]

Argh! Way to many big words for my middle-of-August dead brain to handle.

[King Mark 3,631]

Didn't even bother to read it.

[Joni Wiljami 1,206]

Didn't even bother to read it.

[Quintus 5,399]

I'm not certain, but I'm sure I read this before somewhere.

[Russell 0]

The infamous 'Scott Parkin's Automatic Complaint-Letter Generator' strikes again!

Look what it's taken to lure me into making my first post!

Russell

[BLUMENKOHL 1,068]

DING DiNG DING DiNG DING!

We have...a winner!

[Russell 0]

DING DiNG DING DiNG DING!

We have...a winner!

Do I get a prize?

Russell

[BLUMENKOHL 1,068]

Your very first post, in MY thread.

It's the dream of every person!

[John Crichton 4]

Ah, it all makes sense now. I believe I've seen the work of this little machine in another thread...