JoeinAR 1,949 Posted June 18, 2002 Share Posted June 18, 2002 "Hello, Everyone, welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch. We are your hosts, Johnny Gomez, and Nick Diamond.""Tonight's main event is between filmcomposers James Horner of Titanic fame versus John Williams of Star Wars fame.""Tonight's orchestrated event promises to have plenty of fanfare.""Uh, Nick, can we dispense with the so called humor and get to the match.""Sure, Johnny, Sure.""Our Celebrity Referee tonight is Stefan Cosman." Stefan bows to the audience."Alright gentlemen, I want a clean, fair and honest fight. Please ready your batons at your podiums." say Stefan."Well Mr. Referee, I m sorry to do this but I'm here to win," say Horner. Horner quickly begins to conduct something from Aliens, Stefan sees acid dripping at his feet, but it too late as the aliens tail pierces through Stefan, impaling him. The Queen then lifts Stefan off the ground and rips him in half.John Williams watches with horror and says," that hardly seems fair James." At the same time he quickly strikes out tryiing to bitch slap James. But James is ready for it, and easily blocks it. "Forget it, your powers are weak old man, Your washed up, your through, I heard Attack of the Clones, your empty. Sooner or later your going to die, and then Spielberg will have to use me," say Horner."He'll never join you, thats impossible, you 2 bit plageriser.""Oh yeah Old Man, have you ever had a DEEP IMPACT?" and James thrusts his baton into John's right eye."Oh Nick, thats gotta hurt." "Yes Johnny, I bet it does, I guess the youth of Horner is just too much for the old guy."Back in the ring, John pulls the baton out of his eye and the baton turns into a green light saber. In the background Star Wars music begins to play.James not at all surprised pull out his own red light saber, and says "When I last met you I was but the learner, now "I" am the master.""Only a master of plagerism Horner." say John as he begins to swing. But suddenly John light saber goes out. "Don't you know Johnny Boy," Horner says as he opens his hands to reveal batteries. "Batteries not Included", and with that James hits John and slices off his face, "AH Ha," Horner laughs, "Now your the Man without a Face."But John calmly bends over and picks up his face and puts it back on. As he does he reaches behind his back and pulls out a whip, as the Raiders March begins to play slowly. He unfurls the whip and strikes, cutting off Horners ear. But Horner laughs as the theme from Braveheart begins and James pulls out a metal sword and proceeds to slice and dice Johns whip."This is getting tiresome" say Horner, "Time for the big guns." Out of nowhere Celine Dion starts to climb into the ring. She starts singing My Heart Will Go On. John is visibly shaken, and drops to one knee, but slowly another theme can be heard in the background, da dum, da dum, dum, dum, dum. A shark fin pierces the mat and makes a move towards Celine. "James whats going on?" asks Celine. James spreads his hands as if to say he doesn't know. Suddenly a mouth filled with teeth rips through the mat and pull Celine half way through. Back and forth she is pushed across the ring, screaming. Finally she is pulled under.John looks at James and says "It looks like a boating accident" and smiles.An angry look appears on Horners face as he says "Time to die old man," and he plays the theme from Aliens again. John laughs and says "You're repeating yourself James, again." But then he turns to see the Queen alien about to strike. John quickly strikes up the finale of Jurassic Park. Just as the Queen makes her move on John when the T-Rex appears out of no where to grab the queen in its mouth, shaking her to death."Your right James, this has become tiresome," say John as the theme from Superman begins to play. "You've plagerised everyone for the last time.John pulls open his shirt to reveal the red "S underneath. He then spins to reveal himself in full Superman costume.He grabs Horner's conducting hand and breaks every bone in it. Horner groans in agony. Then he lifts Horner over his head and smiles and then flings him into space, directly into the sun.The upper half of Celebrity Referee Stefan slaps the mat with his hand and yell's "the winner and still the greatest living film composer is JOHN WILLIAMS.""Well, Nick I guess that ends tonights deathmatch." You're right Johnny and a good match it was, join us next time when Celebrity Deathmatch pits the Verizon wireless guy(you know the one who say can you hear me now) against the dell computer kid.""Goodnight" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeejaHalycon 0 Posted June 18, 2002 Share Posted June 18, 2002 LOLClever idea, using different pieces they've composed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trumpeteer 302 Posted June 18, 2002 Share Posted June 18, 2002 Genius! I was thinking Jamie would just keeping using the same move over and over and over..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvanED 1 Posted June 18, 2002 Share Posted June 18, 2002 "This is getting tiresome" say Horner, "Time for the big guns." Out of nowhere Celine Dion starts to climb into the ring. She starts singing My Heart Will Go On. John is visibly shaken, and drops to one knee, but slowly another theme can be heard in the background, da dum, da dum, dum, dum, dum. A shark fin pierces the mat and makes a move towards Celine. "James whats going on?" asks Celine. James spreads his hads as if to say he doesn't know. Suddenly a mouth filled with teeth rips through the mat and pull Celine half way through. Back and forth she is pushed across the ring, screaming. Finally she is pulled under. John looks at James and says "It looks like a boating accident" and smiles. ROTFL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeejaHalycon 0 Posted June 18, 2002 Share Posted June 18, 2002 Allright, whose got the clay? :twisted: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mari 279 Posted June 18, 2002 Share Posted June 18, 2002 Thanks for the laugh Joe! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigKenLittle 6 Posted June 18, 2002 Share Posted June 18, 2002 LOL LOL ROTFL "Your right James, this has become tiresome," say John as the theme from Superman begins to play. "You've plagerised everyone for the last time. John pulls open his shirt to reveal the red "S underneath. He then spins to reveal himself in full Superman costume. He grabs Horner's conducting hand and breaks every bone in it. Horner groans in agony. Then he lifts Horner over his head and smiles and then flings him into space, directly into the sun. Joe you are a bonafide Gawdam Genius... I am wiping tears from my eyes as I type... I don't know what you do for a living, but if you don't stop immediately and start writing professionally, then you are wasting a truly great gift!!!!Big Ken: who feels the need to change to a dry pair of britches Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morn 8 Posted June 18, 2002 Share Posted June 18, 2002 Hmm, I don't find the death/injury stuff that funny (and you imply I have bad morals... :roll: ) Except maybe for the Stefan bit But these are quite funny James not at all surprised pull out his own red light saber, and says "When I last met you I was but the learner, now "I" am the master." "Only a master of plagerism Horner." say John as he begins to swing. But suddenly John light saber goes out. .........."Forget it, your powers are weak old man, Your washed up, your through, I heard Attack of the Clones, your empty. Sooner or later your going to die, and then Spielberg will have to use me," say Horner. Morn - Wondering if Joe is saying something about the Superman score Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricard 2,245 Posted June 18, 2002 Share Posted June 18, 2002 Excellent, Joe. Excellent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kradia 1 Posted June 18, 2002 Share Posted June 18, 2002 Great stuff, Joe! I could imagine those scenes in my head. Wish that MTV would consider making that!Allright, who's got the clay? Hehe i've got a new summer project! :twisted: Considering any other new fights? With contestants like the cow from Gateway? or that Sprint PCS guy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoffJake 0 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 We ought to get Joshua Meeter to make this! He's the guy who made the "Awards Showdown" claymation fanfilm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ray Barnsbury 8 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 That was amazing, Joe, I agree with Big Ken, you should write professionally. Or at least treat us to your humor more often. Great job!Ray Barnsbury Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hirogen_alpha 0 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 LOL!Well done, well done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvanED 1 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 Hmm, I don't find the death/injury stuff that funny (and you imply I have bad morals... :roll: ) Actually, same here... but I do really like the shark attack. In this case, two wrongs do make a right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry Potter 0 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 That was awesome, Joe! Well done! Please, give us more!~Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris ChrusherComix 46 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 Great stuff, Joe. And I hate that show (not as much over the violence as much as the ideas and writing are so bad)... you wrote a funnier script than any real one that I've seen. They should hire you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Vincent 8 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 I am shocked by the violence of the scenes !But it is very hilarous and you have got a lot of imagination ! It is great ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morn 8 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 Actually, same here... but I do really like the shark attack. In this case, two wrongs do make a right. I don't But the Stefan bit is funny because he's a local and it's kinda odd for Joe to do that to him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin 2 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 LOLJustin -Wondering what Stefan will have to say about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justin 2 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 Also Joe you forgot about their long wizarding duel with Willow and Potter. Justin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeinAR 1,949 Posted June 19, 2002 Author Share Posted June 19, 2002 :oops: THANK YOU, for the kind words.I just wanted people to laugh.As far as the level of violence, understand that Celebrity Deathmatch is the claymation equivalent to Wyle E. Coyote and Road Runner. No composer was actually injured in this match. And while the show isn't always the best you have to admit there is a facination with seeing Prince fight to the death with Michael Jackson :twisted: , or Britney Spears vs. Christine Agullara. As far as using Stefan, isn't the reason clear, that way it was about Stefan, I could have chosen any of us, but Stefan will be the first to tell you everything is about him. Anyways thanks.My apologies to Mr. Horner who is my third favorite composer behind Mr. Williams, and Mr. Goldsmith. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeejaHalycon 0 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 We ought to get Joshua Meeter to make this! He's the guy who made the "Awards Showdown" claymation fanfilm. I have his email around here somewhere. He might be interested. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
#SnowyVernalSpringsEternal 10,265 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 That was very funny, Joe, i nearly laughed my ass of, only to discover i didn't have one anymore.Offcourse a more evenly matched fight would be the "Williams VS Goldsmith Grudgematch"."My Supergirl Theme is much better then your Superman theme, just as Dan Hobgood."Pffff....atleast i have a Messageboard dedicated solely to myself, you are still sharing it with James and Hans and Elmer."Stefancos- wondering if Ricard enjoyed the ALIENS bit of Joe's post. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry Potter 0 Posted June 19, 2002 Share Posted June 19, 2002 If you have never seen the show, of course, people, you will be shocked at the violence. It really helps to have seen the show so one can properly imagine what is supposed to be going on. ~Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Director 1 Posted June 20, 2002 Share Posted June 20, 2002 Joe, that was hilarious!I read it to a friend of mine today and we were cracking up. Who knows? Maybe we might see a Celebrity Deathmatch between Johnny and Jim one day. I laughed my butt off when Horner struck up Aliens again and what Johnny responded. That was pure brilliance.I'll definitely agree with the Willow vs. Potter thing......maybe you can add it in and submit a final draft one day. You should include something about Far And Away in there and have them both take out Ron Howard or something. I dunno........it was hilarious, though. Good job.Director - still smiling "My Dad's Stories" from Angela's Ashes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KittBash 282 Posted June 20, 2002 Share Posted June 20, 2002 You know Joe might be an ol stick in the mudd when it comes to Hook (which I definatlly think he is allowed to be!!!! to each his own as they say!) but he's got one sense of humor!Way to go Joe!!! LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morn 8 Posted June 20, 2002 Share Posted June 20, 2002 I have seen the show! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Vincent 8 Posted June 20, 2002 Share Posted June 20, 2002 I don't know the show you are talking about :?: Can somebody tell me ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeinAR 1,949 Posted June 20, 2002 Author Share Posted June 20, 2002 David, its a show that originated on MTV. You can find it elsewhere on TV now. It uses claymation, animated clay, and pits 2 characters or 2 groups of people(ala N'Sync vs Backstreet Boyz) and they fight to the death. Sometimes its stupid, sometimes its brilliant. But it always features over the top violence and gore. Anyone who can apreciated Evil Dead films will not be disturbed by the violence as it is meant only to be humerous.It has 2 annoucers and a standard referee. Almost any celebrity who needs a comeupance has gotten one on Celebrity Deathmatch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PetePan 163 Posted June 20, 2002 Share Posted June 20, 2002 Is Stefancos the referee on MTV too? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeinAR 1,949 Posted June 20, 2002 Author Share Posted June 20, 2002 They can't make the clay that thin. :twisted: Joe, who notes that on the other hand they can always add more clay to make fat people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luke Skywalker 1,795 Posted June 20, 2002 Share Posted June 20, 2002 here in another channel they do similar deathmatches. I saw one between Darth Vader (star wars) and Spok, or whatever :roll: (Star Trek)Darth Vader won (OF COURSE). it was funny seeing SW and ST fans critisize the other movies, they were so hurting...You know they got a DV and Spok face and with morph they drawed puch, scars etc... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harry Potter 0 Posted June 21, 2002 Share Posted June 21, 2002 I have seen the show!Then you don't appreciate good fun humor. ~Harry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris ChrusherComix 46 Posted June 21, 2002 Share Posted June 21, 2002 It's over-the-top gore and violence with clay puppets. People get chopped up, gored, decapitated, skinned, (you name it, they've done it) and keep fighting. It's sometimes funny, but not often enough for me. The battles go on and on endlessly and there is usually no moral other than they die. Sometimes they all die. LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris ChrusherComix 46 Posted June 21, 2002 Share Posted June 21, 2002 BTW, the ref is usually Judge Mills Lane, occasional TV Court show judge and boxing ref. He reffed the infamous Holifield/Tyson ear biting match. Famous for saying "LET'S GET IT ON!" before the bouts.-Chris, Who thinks the UK has a FINE champion right now.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hhssoccerplayer 0 Posted June 22, 2002 Share Posted June 22, 2002 I enjoyed the insulting of Horner! How true they are though. Although violent, so is the show, but most shows now are even cartoons. You see guns and stuff all of the time, but the difference is cartoons don't die which is telling kids the wrong thing, because people do die from guns. I enjoyed it and could picture it the whole way. You should write for comedies.Brandon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris ChrusherComix 46 Posted June 22, 2002 Share Posted June 22, 2002 What's worse? Decapitation, skinning alive, living organ removal, living skeletal removal, or a gun? All violent deaths one way or the other. Actually, which show had a gun? I didn't see that one yet.-Chris, Who doesn't have a problem with violence in entertainment unless it is pointless, doesn't have any moral to it, and aimed at kids, which that show is all of the above to me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeinAR 1,949 Posted June 22, 2002 Author Share Posted June 22, 2002 You just describe Tom and Jerry, Roadrunner, and any other dozen or so cartoons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ocelot 508 Posted June 22, 2002 Share Posted June 22, 2002 That was too funny!I've never really watched the show that much but every match I have seen I have loved!!! It's no more violent than anything else that is out there.. At least with what I have seen, and at least this is done with humor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris ChrusherComix 46 Posted June 22, 2002 Share Posted June 22, 2002 Ah, but the difference is that I LOVE Tom & Jerry, The Roadrunner and all those classic cartoons you mentioned. Those are cartoons and are like works of art. Even the Itchy & Scratchy shorts on the Simpsons, mere afterthought skits within the cartoon, are funnier.I haven't seen one well animated Death Match yet. It's just violence for violence's sake. Your script was FAR funnier than anything that has aired on that show to date. You actually skillfully wrote something. The jokes made sense and were funny. That show just has "Chop off this celeb's head, the decapitated celeb then disembowel's that celeb and so on and so forth until it's just over". And the lame jokes... ugh! How either can win after they are both zombified remains is beyond me. Just senseless. Not art, but sheer non-stop gore, and poorly done as well. I could sculpt a better looking character with a used piece of chewing gum, and probably do better parodied voices too. Just a poorly done show, and I don't know why it goes on.Then again, the same goes for almost every show on MTV for me... I guess it's just the whole channel.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeinAR 1,949 Posted June 22, 2002 Author Share Posted June 22, 2002 Actually, I thougth my story was no more or no less funny than some of the episodes,it was geared to everyone here, therefore the appeal. If made into a show, most people around the country would find it pedestrian, and slow. It is rather tame by CDM standards.Joe, about to watch Earth vs. the Spider on AMC in 4 minutes. I haven't seen this movie since 1965. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris ChrusherComix 46 Posted June 22, 2002 Share Posted June 22, 2002 You're right. Most of the audience wouldn't even follow the jokes. Even though they know the movies, they don't know who made the music. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeinAR 1,949 Posted July 22, 2002 Author Share Posted July 22, 2002 Big John asked about Horner's ponytail.I didn't know he had one but if he did then at the end John rips the ponytail off from Horner's head, taking a large piece of scalp. He tosses it into the audience into the hands of some nameless Horner basher. Feeling vindicated for Titanic, he holds the trophy high in the air.Joe, who used this cheap device to get all three deathmatches together on the same page. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeinAR 1,949 Posted January 2, 2003 Author Share Posted January 2, 2003 back because Ray asked for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ray Barnsbury 8 Posted January 3, 2003 Share Posted January 3, 2003 Ray Barnsbury Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeinAR 1,949 Posted January 22, 2004 Author Share Posted January 22, 2004 Its been over a year, and I thought in the ongoing drought, it was time to bring them back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hector J. Guzman 1 Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Yes. I haven't read any of these "celebrity deathmatch" topics. It's about time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hector J. Guzman 1 Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 You just describe Tom and Jerry, Roadrunner, and any other dozen or so cartoons.Itchy and Scratchy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Morn 8 Posted January 22, 2004 Share Posted January 22, 2004 Its been over a year, and I thought in the ongoing drought, it was time to bring them back.Yes, I mean they are even bringing in water restrictions and the poor farmers are after government assistance! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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